Funny how people – specially children, tend to carry other people’s burdens on their shoulders. We get loaded with them without asking for it.
For years and years I carried the shame of what my father had done. I thought people would stay away from me if they knew, I guess. These things are not really a conscious thought. They stay underneath like underground waters. You are not aware they’re there but they run deep, carving the rock -or your brain, and the longer you let them be, the bigger the hole. Soon they become rivers and they create underground caverns. Very breath-taking when they occur in nature but not so much when it happens in your psyche.
Of course I wasn’t aware of this. I even went through med school and learn about it in class (I had to take psychobiology, psychopathology and psychiatry). I pitied those poor children and adults I had as patients. I felt for them and even cried for them without realizing I was just the same.
7 years of therapy here in Canada led to my previous post where I finally was able to talk (or in this case, write) about my burden.
After another night of horrible nightmares, I just realized I still carry another one: I feel responsible for my mother’s death. I FAILED to protect her. I FAILED to keep her safe like I said I would that pivotal day when I packed our stuff and took her and my little sister -who is 6 years my junior, to grandma’s house.
I wasn’t there the day she died . I could’ve (and in my mind, I should’ve) taken that bullet for her. See, I told her everything would be all right and I lied. She ended up being murdered :(
I’ve been haunted by it ever since. Sometimes I think I should have let her go back to my father. There is a lot more to it of course, but that’s what I sometimes think. Maybe she would still be alive if that would’ve been the case. Other times I think it was better that way. That at least she finally stopped suffering and that she went to a much better place where she can be happy. Where she’s not in pain anymore. Having your nose broken every now and then cannot be fun.
I don’t know. I don’t have any answers.