#ReasonsForAShrink 2

Funny how people – specially children, tend to carry other people’s burdens on their shoulders.  We get loaded with them without asking for it.

For years and years I carried the shame of what my father had done.  I thought people would stay away from me if they knew, I guess.  These things are not really a conscious thought.  They stay underneath like underground waters.  You are not aware they’re there but they run deep, carving the rock -or your brain, and the longer you let them be, the bigger the hole.  Soon they become rivers and they create underground caverns.  Very breath-taking when they occur in nature but not so much when it happens in your psyche.

Of course I wasn’t aware of this.  I even went through med school and learn about it in class (I had to take psychobiology, psychopathology and psychiatry).  I pitied those poor children and adults I had as patients.  I felt for them and even cried for them without realizing I was just the same.

7 years of therapy here in Canada led to my previous post where I finally was able to talk (or in this case, write) about my burden.

After another night of horrible nightmares, I just realized I still carry another one: I feel responsible for my mother’s death.  I FAILED to protect her.  I FAILED to keep her safe like I said I would that pivotal day when I packed our stuff and took her and my little sister -who is 6 years my junior, to grandma’s house.

I wasn’t there the day she died .  I could’ve (and in my mind, I should’ve) taken that bullet for her.  See, I told her everything would be all right and I lied.  She ended up being murdered :(

I’ve been haunted by it ever since.  Sometimes I think I should have let her go back to my father.  There is a lot more to it of course, but that’s what I sometimes think.  Maybe she would still be alive if that would’ve been the case.  Other times I think it was better that way.  That at least she finally stopped suffering and that she went to a much better place where she can be happy.  Where she’s not in pain anymore.  Having your nose broken every now and then cannot be fun.

I don’t know.  I don’t have any answers.

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3 thoughts on “#ReasonsForAShrink 2

  1. No Blog Intended says:

    This post makes me all silent. I wish this kind of things didn’t exist, but of course they do. Hopefully (and apparently) this doesn’t take over your life. Maybe that’s the best you can do.
    I wish I could say something consoling and stuff, but after all I don’t think I can say something that really helps you. But at least you know that I think of you!

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