When a mother’s heart weeps

Well, my friends, I’m out of sorts today.

My son’s depression is quickly spiralling down.   He’s been having horrible nightmares since he came to Canada.  Today, when I woke up, went to say hello to him.  He was up already (he’s sleeping on our sofa-bed in the living room).  He looked bad.  He was shaken.  He said today’s nightmare was particularly vicious.

We talked for a bit but his thoughts are dark.  Thoughts of death.

I can’t take this.

I can deal with any pain I may have.  I am strong enough.

But I can’t stand seeing my son be in so much pain.

I don’t know what to do.

33 thoughts on “When a mother’s heart weeps

  1. Kristin M. says:

    My heart aches for you. I don’t know anything about you or your son, but from my own experience with depression and my own suicide attempt, the mind can be very scary, do your best to get your son some medical help to protect him from himself. A family doctor, medical clinic, hospital, counsellor, someone, reach out, there are lots of places and resources for you and your son.

    • SummerSolsticeGirl says:

      Thank you for stopping by and commenting.

      I’ve been dealing with the same things all my life too. Problem is, my son is visiting. He’s Canadian but he does not have any kind of medical insurance because he does not reside in Canada. He has no access to any of those :(

  2. Kelsi says:

    I tried to catch up by reading you posts back a few logs. I have so many questions. What happened to your son in Columbia that is so bad you’re scared to send him back there? Do you have to send him back? My heart aches for you. I agree with the comment above about getting him into therapy or something, but since he doesn’t live in Canada, I guess there’s nothing you can do.

  3. Dana says:

    Dear SummerSolsticeGirl and Son,

    Here are three immediate, practical ways to resist suicide:

    1. Don’t be alone. Be with somebody, anybody… ALL the time. if you have to, go to the convenience store, the laundramat, the all-nite diner.

    2. Tell somebody, anybody. call 1-800-621-8504… if you have to, cross the us border and take him to a hospital emergency room… yell for help, and don’t stop yelling until you get some

    3. procrastinate…suicide is one instance when putting something off is a good thing.

    and more… DO SOMETHING, ANYTHING to focus the mind away from fear and TOWARD love and hope

  4. purpleowltree1234 says:

    My brain’s sayin atleast he’s talking bout it to you. Love what Dana wrote. Spot on. Helps to be remindedof the basics again sometimes. Pls let us know what y’all do. Suicidal can pass. Talk bout his options with him. Help him see anything at all that’s gona help him feel less trapped. Can he stay with you even for an extended stay. Give his brain a chance to settle an the nightmares a chance to lessen. They seemta be tellin him there’s danger. So what’re his options? He needs to keep talkin. Can’t y’all see drs without health insurance in Canada? I thought the health system was better there than the states. An outsider like a dr tellin him get the fuck safe, might make it seem like a better idea to him. Seems like it’s the only way he can relieve his nightmares. Sounds like he was doin important stuff if they’re that interested in him in Colombia. The world needs more people who do important stuff. Not less. Sounds like he cameto you at an important time. Miss D. X

    • SummerSolsticeGirl says:

      Yes, it is a good thing he talks to me.

      I am looking into options but so far I haven’t found anything. Our health care system is pretty good. It is not perfect (and mental health is not as good as physical health. Very lacking) but it is a lot better than others. It’s always been there for me and both my kids. The problem is that my son -even though a Canadian citizen, haven’t live in Canada in five years. Health care is only for residents. He would have to be physically present in Ontario for 153 days in any 12-month period to be eligible. He can see a doctor but I’d would have to pay the full fee for it and money is quite tight right now.

      He knows he needs professional help. He mentioned it today when we were talking. I am going nuts :(

      Thank you so much for your thoughts, miss D!

  5. clownonfire says:

    I’m so sorry. You know this topic is close to my heart, after my father’s own suicide. Don’t leave your son alone. Love him, and if you must, consult, and see someone. Life is so fragile when in that state of mind. You’re a good mom, surround him of your strength. I love you, my friend,
    Le Clown

  6. Sid Dunnebacke says:

    I just don’t know what to say, SSG. So far, I’ve found that being a Dad is All That, but you’re dealing with the worst of my parenting fears. I feel for you, and if there’s anything at all to it, all my Hail Marying on your behalf will keep your son safe.

  7. Madame Weebles says:

    How did I miss this post?? I’m so sorry, SSG, I didn’t see this until just now. Stupid WP reader.

    I’m glad your son was doing better later today than when you posted this. I’m concerned for him too, and I can’t imagine what it must be like to worry as a mother for your son. Please know both of you are in my thoughts, and you know I’ll help however I can.

  8. meizac says:

    Me too…didn’t see it until now.

    I’m so sorry, SSG, that your son is having to deal with this, and I can only imagine the heartache you’re dealing with as you try to help him through it.

    I know it’s far from you, but if there’s anyway I can help to put you in touch with anyone at Brock (they have a very good political science program), let me know. I also may be able to help put you in touch with the right people at York.

    In the meantime, I’m thinking of you.

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