Failure

I suppose I should write an update.

24 hours later and one attemp by WordPress to sabotage this post, here I am.

Funny, I finished it, hit published and WP deleted the whole thing.  Didn’t even save it as a draft.

Oh well.

My son is gone to Toronto.

He showed up at my door yesterday afternoon after no hearing a word from him since he left in anger on Sunday.  We knew he was OK cause he was posting on Facebook but he never called us or wrote to us.

Anyway, he came with the suitcase and backpack and for a little moment, I was happy cause I thought he was coming to stay for the remainder of the trip.  But that was not the case.

He came in and he asked me to use my laptop so he could find a ride to Toronto.  We made a couple of phone calls and we secured his ride.

After that, we talked for a while.  He said he has talked to a psychologist on Monday and that it had helped.  He told me that the only person that understands him and cares about him is his girlfriend.

He said some not so nice things about his sister.  I refuted this and I think I was able to get my point across.  Or maybe not.  Don’t think I’ll ever know.

It is very unlikely I’ll see him again any time soon. I even mentioned this to him.

He said that he’s never coming back to Canada unless he comes with his girlfriend.  He then proceeded to suggest I should go visit him in Colombia.  I told him that is very unlikely to happen.  I told him that the same things that give him nightmares give me nightmares as well.  That I will never go back.  It took me 8 years to muster the courage to go there for a visit and it almost killed me. It led me to a nervous breakdown and I spent the next 5 months in severe depression.

No, I will never go back there.

There’s no place in the world where my son and I can be together.

We dropped the conversation because he was getting to upset.  Nonetheless, I am grateful I got to see him one last time before he left.

Then it was time for him to go.  He gave me an awkward hug, a little peck on the cheek and asked me to tell his sister he’ll call her when he’s in a better mental state.

Off to Toronto he went.  He flies back to Colombia on July 20th.

And then, who knows what will happen to him.  At least he has his girlfriend, I guess.

I have failed my son.

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20 thoughts on “Failure

  1. purpleowltree1234 says:

    ah, sorry, but you failed him?? i can’t see that SSG. i see you did what you could to support him n you were there when you could do something, n you’re worried like crazy about his safety, n you’re protecting yourself from serious serious risk by not goin back to Colombia. i see no failure on your part here. i see an fing awful few situations thrown together in one awful cluster. i don’t see any failure at all on your part. n i think your son’s doing the best he knows how, given the amount of stress n depression on him right now. if these are the things he said when he’s in a bad state n can’t even talk with his sister, that tells me he might be in a better state later on (though i doubt going back to such unsafety will help a better state happen for him) where he can see things differently. maybe he’ll even leave Colombia one day. with or without his girlfriend. maybe that seems too hopeful but while he is still alive there is always hope. says me. huge safe HUG for you. the worry n anxiety you’re under is enough to put any never-depressed person in a deep hole, so Please be super gentle on yourself. n your daughter on herself too. i really do care. i’ll be keen to hear how you are when i come back (i’ll be leaving for a while soon but Rach will be here). please surround yourself with all the professional n personal care you need right now. you matter, n you deserve to get through this safely. hope this comment doesn’t sound like a lecture. i care. i’m worried about you n your daughter, and about your son too. i can hardly imagine how painful this must be for you. i know it would send me around the bend if it were happening with our child. and i know it’s not your fault. not one little bit, not one massive bit, not at all. be gentle on yourself. D. X

  2. SummerSolsticeGirl says:

    Thank you miss D.X. I feel myself hanging already from that precipice into the deep that depression is… And don’t worry, it doesn’t sound like a lecture at all. It sounds like a very caring message from a kind soul who understands.

    It’s just that… well, What else is a mother’s job than to be there for her child? I think I’ve done a good job with my daughter but not so much with my son. I was very happy when I was able to bring him to Canada and then he broke my heart when he decided to go back. And I just can’t go there. Just can’t.

  3. Madame Weebles says:

    I clicked “like” even though obviously I don’t like. You didn’t fail him, SSG. You didn’t. He’s in a place right now where he can’t hear you or won’t hear you because it’s too much for him. It’s not your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong. You’re in very different places. He won’t always be in the place he’s in right now. Later he may be able to understand better.

    It’s an awful situation for all three of you, and I’m so sorry you and your daughter are in this position, it must feel very powerless. I know how much you must worry for him. And nobody could ever blame you for not wanting to go back to Colombia. Things change, and it’s very possible that he won’t always feel the way he’s feeling right now. Still, I know that’s not much consolation in the meantime.

    I’m sending you a giant hug, my friend.

    • SummerSolsticeGirl says:

      I really hope so. All I do is think about the times when he was little and we’d have so many discussions about the books we were reading and life and stuff. I look at him and all I see is that little boy, lost in his own pain. That’s a terrible thing for a mother to witness :(

  4. sdunnebacke says:

    No! You’ve not failed him! No no no! Emotions apparently being at a peak in your house, the last few days were just not a good time to judge the thought processes of anyone. My guess is that if you didn’t all love each other like crazy, there’d have been no anger or tension or anything of the sort. If your son’s half the man you’ve credited him being, he knows that just as well as you do.

    As for The Girl being the only one who gets him, well, that’s just the way young people think at that age. He’ll figure out at some point how ridiculous that is, but in the meantime there’s nothin’ much you can do to speed it up.

    This will pass.

    Hang in there, SSG.

    • SummerSolsticeGirl says:

      Le sigh….

      Yeah, I know we do love each other. But as a mother, it is very difficult for me to see both my children hurting, each one of them thinking the other doesn’t care, that they have been let down by their own sibling.

      I have always been able to reach my daughter. To help her. But I feel like I have lost my son :(

  5. the howler and me says:

    I don’t know if I can say anything that’ll make a difference…. but I can send a interwebby HUG your way.

    • SummerSolsticeGirl says:

      Yeah. it’s not easy but I’m trying. Right now, all I want to do is crawl in bed and curl under the blankets. But I’m not doing that. Forcing myself to work and have some fun even. Got advanced tickets to watch “The Dark Knight Rises” tomorrow (going with the Bear, my daughter and her boyfriend)

  6. Love & Lunchmeat says:

    I don’t think you failed him. I just think he’s confused. He’ll be back eventually. In the meantime, if you know and like the girlfriend, just call her. He might need space. (As a teenager, I was moody and a pill, and my own parents would have been better off using this method.) Good luck SSG. I’m so sorry. Hopefully, he’ll come around on his own.

  7. meizac says:

    I again hit “Like” not because I like this post but as a show of support.

    You have not failed your son. He is an adult who has made a decision. It may not be the right decision. It may not be a decision that anyone likes, but, alas, it is his decision.

    I’m sure he knows that you’re there for him and, maybe one day, he will understand why you cannot visit him in Colombia. It will take some time, but from everything I can tell, you’ve raised two pretty great human beings. There will come a time when he will understand.

    • SummerSolsticeGirl says:

      Thank you so much for your support. I really appreciate it. It is hard and I don’t really know what to believe but I suppose all of you can’t be wrong at the same time so I must be true

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