Well, I’ll be damned!

I didn’t write a post about World Suicide Prevention Day.

I did however, share both on Facebook and Twitter the Canvas of the Minds post about it and had a few public conversations on Facebook.

But now I feel like I somehow didn’t do my homework and I’m going to fail the course or something.  Especially considering that suicide -or suicide attempt, rather, is a recurrent theme in my family.

My sister.  My son.  I.

I can’t speak for the others but I know I wasn’t just trying.  I was disappointed I didn’t succeed.  However, as a sister and a mother, of course I was/am happy they didn’t succeed either.  Which is quite ironic, to say the least.  Hypocritical, even.  Most definitely selfish.

In my sister’s case, she’s mostly happy now.  She’s a mother of a wonderful little guy and she seems to enjoy life and be happy to be alive.  So that makes me feel less selfish.  I am happy for her.

In my son’s case, it’s a completely different story.  He’s a tormented young man.  He hasn’t been able to find a therapist he can trust and open up to, or a pharmacological treatment that will help him in his struggle with Mental Illness.

In my case, despite of being the eternal optimist, I really don’t enjoy life.  Life for me is very difficult.  I enjoy the little things.  I enjoy the little moments.  Oh, yes I do.  There are times when I’m truly happy.  Like when I dance.  Or when I was at the Natural History or the Air & Space Museums.

The American History Museum made me sad for the most part.

Suicide is a thing I don’t complete reject.  I know it sounds awful.

And it’s funny, cause when I started this post, 10 minutes ago, what I had in mind was to say, I don’t have anything to say about suicide so I’m just gonna give you a bunch of links so you can read what others have to say.

And yet, here I am, still typing.  At this point of my life, I have given up finding reasons to love life.  To not commit suicide because I want to live.  Cause I really, really don’t want to live.  I find living very painful.  I find that what we human beings do to this planet and to each other is utterly disgusting and sad.  Sure, there is kindness.  Sure, there is goodness.  Sure there is beauty.  But mostly there is destruction, murder, rape, violation of human rights, tears.

But I will NOT do it because just the thought of causing pain to those who love me is unbearable to me.   I have read too many stories of people who’s parents, siblings, best friends did it.  They all blame themselves.  I cannot do that to my children.  To my darling grandmother, my sister or my aunt.  To my close friends.

You all may say it’s not the right reason.  That I have to do it (or in this case, NOT do it)  for me, not for others.  But that will never be reason enough for me.

In the end, the important thing is that I don’t do it, right?

And I am still having some fun.  A long time ago, I figured that if I have to stay alive, I might as well enjoy the ride.  And I mostly do.  I have my dark moments.  Less and less now, thank Ceiling Cat.  And when I do, I think of my loved ones.  And then I hang on.

So that’s that.

Nevertheless, since I want to stay true to my original intention, here are the blog posts about World Suicide Prevention Day I wanted to share with you.

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13 thoughts on “Well, I’ll be damned!

  1. DeeDee says:

    Not doing it for others is a start. Maybe some day you’ll find reason not to do it for yourself. As long as you can keep in mind that it would cause more pain than it would relieve, I think you’re doing OK. I know that’s not the “right” way to think about it, but we work with what we have.

    And the little pleasures are really where it’s at. We just need to cultivate more of those moments. I think of Amelie sticking her hands in the barrel of beans to feel them on her fingers, and try to remember that I need to enjoy this moment, right now.

  2. No Blog Intended says:

    I didn’t even know this day existed until I read about it on Le Clown’s blog, and yours as well. Rough thing, overall. I think reality is just too overwhelming and brutal. I’d like to believe everyone is friendly and there’s no such thing as murder or rape, and everyone’s safe and stuff.
    I’d rather close my eyes to reality in fact.
    It makes everything easier, I think?

  3. ChatCat says:

    My dear: I think your post reflects a lot what I have been through. Actually, each day for me is a Suicide Prevention Day. All the time that idea is running in circles in my head. And it is because of a promise that I haven´t acted. I’ve learnt to dismiss it like a bug, but it is present everytime and it’s exhausting. As DeeDee said it is a start NOT to act for others.

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