I didn’t write a post about World Suicide Prevention Day.
I did however, share both on Facebook and Twitter the Canvas of the Minds post about it and had a few public conversations on Facebook.
But now I feel like I somehow didn’t do my homework and I’m going to fail the course or something. Especially considering that suicide -or suicide attempt, rather, is a recurrent theme in my family.
My sister. My son. I.
I can’t speak for the others but I know I wasn’t just trying. I was disappointed I didn’t succeed. However, as a sister and a mother, of course I was/am happy they didn’t succeed either. Which is quite ironic, to say the least. Hypocritical, even. Most definitely selfish.
In my sister’s case, she’s mostly happy now. She’s a mother of a wonderful little guy and she seems to enjoy life and be happy to be alive. So that makes me feel less selfish. I am happy for her.
In my son’s case, it’s a completely different story. He’s a tormented young man. He hasn’t been able to find a therapist he can trust and open up to, or a pharmacological treatment that will help him in his struggle with Mental Illness.
In my case, despite of being the eternal optimist, I really don’t enjoy life. Life for me is very difficult. I enjoy the little things. I enjoy the little moments. Oh, yes I do. There are times when I’m truly happy. Like when I dance. Or when I was at the Natural History or the Air & Space Museums.
The American History Museum made me sad for the most part.
Suicide is a thing I don’t complete reject. I know it sounds awful.
And it’s funny, cause when I started this post, 10 minutes ago, what I had in mind was to say, I don’t have anything to say about suicide so I’m just gonna give you a bunch of links so you can read what others have to say.
And yet, here I am, still typing. At this point of my life, I have given up finding reasons to love life. To not commit suicide because I want to live. Cause I really, really don’t want to live. I find living very painful. I find that what we human beings do to this planet and to each other is utterly disgusting and sad. Sure, there is kindness. Sure, there is goodness. Sure there is beauty. But mostly there is destruction, murder, rape, violation of human rights, tears.
But I will NOT do it because just the thought of causing pain to those who love me is unbearable to me. I have read too many stories of people who’s parents, siblings, best friends did it. They all blame themselves. I cannot do that to my children. To my darling grandmother, my sister or my aunt. To my close friends.
You all may say it’s not the right reason. That I have to do it (or in this case, NOT do it) for me, not for others. But that will never be reason enough for me.
In the end, the important thing is that I don’t do it, right?
And I am still having some fun. A long time ago, I figured that if I have to stay alive, I might as well enjoy the ride. And I mostly do. I have my dark moments. Less and less now, thank Ceiling Cat. And when I do, I think of my loved ones. And then I hang on.
So that’s that.
Nevertheless, since I want to stay true to my original intention, here are the blog posts about World Suicide Prevention Day I wanted to share with you.
- May Your Light Not Go Out by Ruby Tuesday at A Canvas Of The Minds
- World Suicide Prevention Day by Dee Dee at Disorderly Chickadee
- Spiral: A World Suicide Prevention Day Reflection by Angel Fractured at The Mirth of Despair
- World Suicide Prevention Day by Le Clown at A Clown on Fire