Life is full of dilemmas, I know. Some are relatively easy to resolve, some others may not even have a winning outcome.
This one is on the easy side of the spectrum. But it’s a dilemma, nonetheless.
In the months after my big surgery in January… wait… Oh, fancy that, a year yesterday… anyway, in the months after the surgery, I went from size 2 to size 6. That means that 1/3 of my clothes are now fitting really tight and the other 2/3s I can’t zip up anymore. That includes gorgeous dresses and skirts and pretty much all of my pants.
I have avoided buying clothes because I figured it would be a matter of time to shed those extra pounds (15). I haven’t done any kind of dieting. I have never been on a diet in my life and I wouldn’t even know where to start. Well, I exaggerate. I do know where to start, I have an MD degree for crying out loud, but I like being dramatic for the argument’s sake.
I figured that just being back at training would suffice so I didn’t worry too much despite being uncomfortable with the whole issue.
Well, it didn’t.
In all these months, I bought a pair of pants, that I wear almost every day, a couple of dresses, a couple of shirts and a whole bunch of camis because well, I had to wear something. Oh, and a bunch of bras because none of the pre-surgery ones fit anymore. Grrrrrrrrrr
So, before you start scolding me, I am not saying I have a weight problem. I am not saying that I’m fat or that I need to lose weight. I know I still look good. And 5’5″ and 140 lbs is still healthy.
But this is the thing. I reached my pre- surgery weight at the age of 14 and then I stayed like that until last year. That means I had the same weight (125 ± 3-4 lbs) for 29 years. Same dress size, same pants size, same bra size for 29 years -except for the two pregnancies, that is. If anything, I tended to lose weight easily so I had to be careful not to get skinny. I was 115 lbs a couple of times. Not because I was sick or anything. I just did a lot of sports and went regularly to the gym. And I’m very absent-minded, sometimes I forget to eat.
Now, when you’ve been/looked/felt the same way for 29 years, you get used to it. It’s comfortable, it’s your home base. And when all of a sudden you are/look/feel different, it’s not fun. It’s alienating.
I don’t like it. I want my comfy old self back. Besides, I get tired a lot more with the extra weight. I feel heavy and my back, knees and feet hurt more that usual.
But at this point, I’m thinking that if I didn’t lose those extra 15 pounds in spite of training regularly, perhaps I am never going to lose them. Perhaps this new me is to become the permanent me, the home base.
When I mentioned this to my doctor, he said that it had been reported that women who undergo total hysterectomy tend to gain weight and stay there no matter what. Now, scientists are wondering if perhaps the uterus produces some sort of substance that regulates weight cause apparently this weight gain is very consistent. I don’t know.
Whatever the reason, I seem to have reached a plateau. It’s been the same weight (138 ± a couple of lbs) for the last six months. Only reason I know the weight is because I have been annoyingly sick for a long period of time, which means going frequently to the doctor. But even if I didn’t know the exact number, I’d still feel it. All I need to to is get something from the closet and put it on.
So my dilemma is this: Do I give up losing weight, give away all the clothes that don’t fit and start working of getting a new wardrobe little by little? Or do I hold on, continue to wear the same pair of pants for the rest of the year and see if maybe by next Christmas I’ll be back to my usual size?
I don’t want it to be the former. The woman that looks back at me from the mirror doesn’t look like the me I’ve known and love all my life. I know that in the big scheme of things this is nothing. But I liked me very much and I miss the old me.
One thing to consider is that I do a lot of competitions and events so I need to have more than 4 outfits I can wear. But it took me years of careful budgeting to get where I am right now with my wardrobe.
Besides, I love the dresses, skirts and pants I own – but can’t currently wear. Plus rebuilding a whole wardrobe is very expensive. Plus I much prefer the old me.
I know, first world problems, right? The whole thing seems juvenile. And yet, I do want my old self back. And to be able to wear my pretty outfits.