Follow up and Day Hospital

I’m upset so might I well blog about it, right?

Besides, I suppose I owe you all an update on my mental health.

I am home now. This is how it happened:

First, I got off ward privileges. It meant I could go for walks up to an hour a day, as long as I remained on the hospital grounds. That meant I could get a reasonably good coffee from Second Cup and enjoy the lovely Fall weather.

Then I got a day pass, which I spent with my daughter. I came home, play with the kitties, shaved my legs and my armpits, fell human again, and went for a lovely walk along the canal.

Last, I got a weekend pass. That meant going home on Friday at 2 pm and coming back to the hospital on Sunday at 9 pm. Then I’d be evaluated on Monday morning and it everything went well, go home.

Well, everything did go well, and I came home on October the 7th – now and outpatient, with a bunch of medication and an appointment for the Day Hospital program at the Civic Campus for October 16. Yes, that’s today. I’ll get to it in a bit.

Incidentally, during that weekend, my daughter and I finally went to see Star Wars Identities, the Star War exhibit at the Aviation & Space Museum. It was out of this world (pun intended). I highly recommend it if it ever goes to your town and if you are a Star Wars fans and a geek like me.

Back to today and the fact that before October the 16th, comes October the 15th. Which is always a hard day for me.

If you read my [NOT FROM] The Other Side post, you may remember this part:

I cannot say – However, I’m completely out of the pit thus far. September 10 was my mother’s birthday (probably when it all started). She died on October 15. I am not quite safe yet.

As I expected, I had a very hard time, which started from the 14th in the evening.  That day -which just so happened to be the Canadian Thanksgiving, I wasn’t particularly thankful for anything.

However, I am now. Thanks to everything that is good for dearest Sid. Don’t think I could have made it in one piece without him.

But I did and off I went to the Civic Hospital this morning, somewhat hopeful and determined to make the program work. I did a little bit of research, talked a few friends that have done the program and got a bit of a sense for what I should expect.

What I had failed to understand, was that today was merely an interview to see if I fit into the program. Done but a non-doctor, non-psychologist person.

She may have been doing this sort of interviews for a long time but definitely need a lot more training when it comes to triggers and how to handle them.

She had a summary of my medical record and started to shoot questions left and right, most of them already answered when I filled out a form as soon as I got to the Outpatient  Mental Health Unit.

Then all of a sudden, out of the blue (for me) she looks at me and says, is it true that your father murdered your mother?

I looked at her and gasped.

Didn’t know what to say.

Didn’t say anything for a while.

So she repeated the question.

A dagger going into my heart.

Blanking out.

I guess I managed to said yes after a while.

I don’t remember much of the rest of the interview.

I have no idea what she said.

I have no idea what I said.

I have a piece of paper that says I am to start the program on October 22nd.

I found myself on the first floor of the hospital (the unit is on the 6th), wandering around. I was shaking. Tears were forming in my eyes. I almost fell on my knees a couple of times.

Again, Sid saved the day.

He managed to calm me down. I got a coffee, sat at a table for I don’t know how long.

I got home after a while, my daughter asked me how it went. I mumbled something, don’t remember what. Had some cheerios with milk, tried to sleep.

I am still shifting from ok, to upset, from upset to ok. Like a pendulum.

I am mostly ok, now, though. I’ll be ok for sure. I have to be. I have to get over this. 30 years of suffering are enough, wouldn’t you say?

But in the end, I am still alive and my mother is not. In the end, I still failed to save her. How does one get over that?

37 thoughts on “Follow up and Day Hospital

  1. Rose says:

    I could tell you it wasn’t you who couldn’t save your mother, but you (deep down) probably already know that. What a rough interview. I think I would ask to leave a comment card on it, if possible. I have done day-hospital before, but it was very unstructured and non-therapeutic. The closest I came to therapy during that time was “recreational” therapy, in which I walked lap after lap around the campus. I actually took something from that. I hope, for you, that your day-hospital adventures are much more healing. Isn’t it funny how different mental health centers can be from one side of the nation to another, nonetheless one country to another, or really, in my case, one county to another. I hope you get great care and start to heal again. I’m sorry if this post was negative, I am struggling with that a bit at this very moment, but I really do wish you all the best in the world. Best, Rose

    • Summer Solstice Girl says:

      Thank you so much. Despite the terrible first experience, I am actually looking forward to the program. According to the brochure they gave me, it seems well structured. I guess we’ll see, right?

      All the best to you as well. Ours is not an easy path

  2. Natalya says:

    Wow, I’m so sorry about the rough dates/days you’ve had to deal with. That intake person couldn’t have had any empathy or clue about how to ask sensitive questions. I mean, seriously, who asks what she did so point blank without awareness it might be triggering? Some people in the helping professions have just been in it too long and don’t know when they ought to leave or switch careers. Maybe she was great at her job otherwise but zero bedside manner. Hope the day hospital programme goes well for you. I found it helpful when I went through it (different hospital and province though).

    • Summer Solstice Girl says:

      Yeah, it could be that. I’ve seen it from the other side. They have been there for so long that they become desensitized to the patient’s feelings, pain and suffering.

      I am hopeful that the program will help me. Really crossing fingers that it does.

      Hope you are well these days. Sorry I haven’t visited in while.

  3. purplemary54 says:

    You would think someone doing interviews for a mental health program would have some kind of inkling about mental health. Go figure. ((Hugs)) I’m glad you’re home. Kitties make good therapists (in addition to the nice professional ones, of course).

    • Summer Solstice Girl says:

      I know, right? After the fact, when I calmed down and was able to think again, I asked myself the same thing.

      Yeah, kitties are the best. They seem to know when you need extra cuddles :)

      How are you doing? Hope things are well on your corner of the world

  4. No Blog Intended says:

    Wow, that was… rude.
    But see how well you recovered though – things will never be perfect, but you made it through anyway. And at least that shows how strong you are.
    I’m glad you’re home, and I wish you all the best!

      • No Blog Intended says:

        And however bad you feel, you don’t fail to think of us, do you? :)
        I still like what I do, but they overloading us with work. Horrible. I seriously don’t know how to manage it all.
        But on the other hand, I’m glad I get these chances and stuff. I’m a lucky person who just has to do many, many assignments.

        But people like you make me smile at least once a day, so that’s good! ;)

  5. Ruby Tuesday says:

    Sweet, sweet lovely Claudia. . . I don’t know what to say other than I love you dearly, I am so incredibly sorry for what happened (those words don’t seem to begin to cover it), and thank heavens for Sid.

    Sending you so much love and many hugs and what measure of peace there can be. ♥

  6. Viciously Sweet says:

    You are a very strong and wonderful person.
    I’m sorry that things are this hard. I actually for as much as I talk and type, am at a loss for words.
    I send you love and joy and peace.
    Good luck with all the things and congratulations on being home :)

  7. Laura P. Schulman, MD, MA says:

    I am so sorry that happened to you. I definitely think you should report that completely inappropriate behavior to whomever is in charge there.

    Claudia, there are some wounds that don’t heal. All we can do is acknowledge them and learn how to deal with the pain.

    Hang in there, my friend.

    • Summer Solstice Girl says:

      Yeah, I think I will. I don’t want the same thing to happen to anyone else. One never knows what kind of consequences it can have.

      And yes, I think I finally reached the point where I can learn how to deal with the pain. in spite of the rocky beginning, I am looking forward to the program. Hope it helps.

      And you as well. You were going through some bad things as well. Hope that is -if not resolved already, on its way to being resolved.

  8. Cate Reddell says:

    I want to yell and scream at that person on your behalf, although I know me doing that wouldn’t make it ok. I’m so glad that Sid was able to help you through. Sending lots of love.

  9. Lunch Sketch says:

    Don’t know the answer to your last statement :-(
    Is a heavy burden I am sure and hope you can lay it down more often than carry it with you.

    Sid is an absolute legend BTW! Impressed!

    P.S. Mad Star Wars fan, so loved the photos :-)

    • Summer Solstice Girl says:

      It’s ok. Don’t think anyone knows the answer.

      And yes, Sid is really somethings else :)

      As for the exhibit, I hope it goes to your neck of the woods. I absolutely loved it. Would go again if it weren’t gone already

    • Summer Solstice Girl says:

      I agree. I don’t have anything against that person but I don’t want anyone to have the same experience as I did. I don’t wish that upon anyone.

      Hope the doggies and the kitties and the piggies and the turtles are all doing well :)

  10. Dad Knows says:

    I don’t even know what I did, or that I even did anything.

    But – I will do it all again in a heartbeat. And more. Whatever you need.

Got something to say?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s