It’s the most wonderful time of the year

I am thinking that maybe this year is a good year to become a normal person and hate the holidays just like every other person in the planet.

I love (used to love) the holidays.

But I had an epiphany today.

When I was married, I spent all the holidays with my husband’s family. For 15 years, I never spent a christmas or a New Year’s Eve with my own family.

At that time, I never thought it odd. But now, I see how out of character that was for me. And then, it suddenly hit me.

I put thousands of miles between my family and I. Every year, they tell me how much they would like to have me there for the holidays.

And every year I tell them that yes, I would love to be there but unfortunately money is tight and flights are expensive so I can’t go. Which is not a lie but it isn’t the real reason either.

How do I tell them that I simply can’t go because they still live in the house where my mother was murdered?

How do I tell them that the minute I step on the doorway, I see my mother’s blood all over the couch and on the floor?

How do I tell them that every time I go visit I come back to Canada being a mess?

How do they do it? I have no idea. Perhaps they are stronger than me.

I don’t know.

Every year, as soon as December rolls in, I put up the christmas tree and play christmas songs hoping that I will be able to have a happy christmas.

But the truth is that I haven’t had a truly happy christmas since I was 5.

Then remember my daughter and how much she likes christmas – something she got from me, because when I was innocent of the brutality of this world christmas always used to be awesome.

I have been in denial for so long.

10 thoughts on “It’s the most wonderful time of the year

  1. Rose says:

    I try and get in the spirit every year and it just doesn’t happen. Don’t really know why, other than having many a depressed Christmas. Now that I am feeling better, maybe it will happen.

  2. Teresa says:

    Hugs from Germany!
    I cannot imagine how you have ever even seen that house again, nevertheless stepped in it. After my grandparents both died and we sold the house, I couldn’t even go on their street for five years. And they died of natural causes.
    Our Christmas here is weird. We visit A’s family, but only some. Most of this Christmas break we will be in France. Just because. We personally have no tree or lights up. It’s just a cold holiday break for us.

  3. No Blog Intended says:

    They’re not necessarily stronger than you, they just have different associations. Do you have any idea how strong you are? Going through all the things you’ve been through and still being here today. That’s what I find strong.

    Next to that I hope you will somehow be able to have a good Christmas. I’ll be thinking of you!

  4. Laura P. Schulman, MD, MA says:

    Wow. Having associations like that, it’s hard to think of having a happy Xmas. Being Jewish myself, but raised in a non-Jewish environment (many of them, in fact), I was always miserable at Xmas-time until I found a solution: go to friends who do celebrate Xmas, and enjoy it to the fullest with them! Go caroling, make eggnog, decorate their tree, eat their cookies, enjoy, enjoy, enjoy! And the fact that my parents were oblivious to the holiday (except that they had time off from work!) ceased to bother me. Once I moved to Jerusalem, it ceased to be an issue at all because nobody except a handful of Christians celebrates Xmas at all, and if you want to, you can go to the Old City and see an astonishing variety of ways of celebrating, because of the many different sects of monasteries and convents, all fitted out with their own brands of decorations and their own ancient traditions. Now, back in the States, I am once again in a non-Jewish environment, but in place of caroling and Yule logs we have gluttonous over-consumerism, and there is this concept of “having a Christmas” which means having a pile of gifts. Oh my. Not the Xmas of my childhood at all. So I’m staying out of it this year, except for one party that I always go to because the people are interesting. So. In place of a comment I have written you this book to say, I’m sorry that things kind of suck, and do you have any alternatives that might be fun and not lonely or awful?

    • Summer Solstice Girl says:

      hahaha well, my daughter is here so we’ll celebrate it Colombian style, which is christmas eve and not christmas day. We’ll make hot chocolate and open presents so at least that will be nice.

      Hanukkah was very early this year. One of these days I’ll tell you about my Jewish roots

      • Laura P. Schulman, MD, MA says:

        I knew you have Jewish roots and would love to hear about them. Yes, Hanuka was very early, because the Hebrew calendar is lunar. We will have a leap year this year to catch up. My Hanukkah was particularly wonderful because it coincided with our Thanksgiving, so my son came and we got to light candles together for the first time since he was a little boy.

  5. Lunch Sketch says:

    SSG. I hope you do find some happiness this Season! I’m sure you will :-)

    They are terrible memories to carry and I totally get not being able to walk into that house. I have a parent who has done evil which I am more aware of than I would like to be … I literally cannot look them in the eye, even when talking to them.
    Different I know, but I get it when it comes to memories and association. Whilst it is sad, I don’t believe it is wrong for you to be that way.

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