This is hard to write.
I am trying so hard to cope.
Most of the time I even can trick myself into thinking things will be ok.
Then I hear their voices.
And my heart sinks.
I am back to any given day of my life between age 6 and 15 and I would hear my father’s voice.
I – we, only had peace when he wasn’t home.
Most importantly, my mother was only safe when he wasn’t home.
The minute I’d hear his voice, I knew I had to brace myself for the worst because the worst often did happen.
Noises of things breaking.
My father traveled often so we had days in a row, sometimes even weeks where we could pretend life was normal, when we could sleep.
But I could never sleep when he was home. How could I?
I knew I had to be on the ready because at any time of day or night it could happen. Yet another trip to the hospital.
I didn’t happen every day, of course. But we never knew when we were going to get Dr. Jekyll and when we were going to get Mr. Hyde.
It was not a matter of if. It was a matter of when.
Upon hearing my father’s voice, all bets were off.
And it’s happening all over again.
I can’t sleep yet again.
I know that at any time of day or night I’ll hear their voices, my heart will sink and I will go back in time.
Like just now….