Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

This is hard to write.

Very hard.

I am trying so hard to cope.

Most of the time I even can trick myself into thinking things will be ok.

Then I hear their voices.

And my heart sinks.

I am back to any given  day of my life between age 6 and 15 and I would hear my father’s voice.

I – we, only had peace when he wasn’t home.

Most importantly, my mother was only safe when he wasn’t home.

The minute I’d hear his voice, I knew I had to brace myself for the worst because the worst often did happen.

Loud voices.

Swearing.

Screaming.

Awful insults.

Noises of things breaking.

My father traveled often so we had days in a row, sometimes even weeks where we could pretend life was normal, when we could sleep.

But I could never sleep when he was home. How could I?

I knew I had to be on the ready because at any time of day or night it could happen. Yet another trip to the hospital.

I didn’t happen every day, of course. But we never knew when we were going to get Dr. Jekyll and when we were going to get Mr. Hyde.

It was not a matter of if. It was a matter of when.

Upon hearing my father’s voice, all bets were off.

And it’s happening all over again.

I can’t sleep yet again.

I know that at any time of day or night I’ll hear their voices, my heart will sink and I will go back in time.

Like just now….

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7 thoughts on “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

  1. Sid Dunnebacke says:

    There is a solution staring you in the face, albeit a temporary one. I know it’s difficult what with the cats and all, but before you move, come here for a week or two. Forget all about the Hydes for a while and have some peace of mind.

    It’s only a suggestion of course. It might not even work but it might be worth the attempt.

    Meanwhile consider yourself wrapped in love and hugs, especially during those times the Jeckyls come out.

  2. Cat says:

    I’m sorry this is bringing back those memories from the past… we can spend a lifetime trying to recover from childhood trauma and fathers can be so scary, IME. I hope you find somewhere more suitable real soon

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