Bloody Vicious Cycles

Here I am, stuck in another one of those bloody vicious cycles we all know so well:

I’m in pain therefore I don’t exercise ==> I don’t exercise therefore I am in pain.

Throw a funny funk (aka depression) in and it just makes for a lovely recipe for another vicious cycle:

The more depressed I get, the less I am inclined to get out of bed, shower and go out ==> the less I go out, the more I get depressed.

In summary:

Losing this particular battle at the moment, I’m afraid.

And it is not that I necessarily need human contact. I am quite happy on my own. But I do need nature contact. I need to feel the wind in my face, hear the birds sing, smell the grass, take the view in.

Don’t get me wrong. I enjoy meeting with friends over coffee and cake. Mmmm cake. I love hearing about what’s going on in their lives. I love laughing with them and even crying with them. And I love coffee and cake. Mmmm cake.

But I enjoy solitude, quietness, stillness. I don’t go insane over not talking to anyone for extended periods of time like some people tell me they do.

Nature, on the other hand, nature I can’t do without. Watching goofy squirrels work and play. Birds fly. The sound of water. The sight of threes. That I can’t can’t do without.

I could certainly do without ze physical pain, though. For sure.

That, however, won’t happen unless I go out and walk. Or exercise otherwise. Which is not happening. Because I am stuck in that bloody vicious cycle right now.

Need to break free somehow.

Suicide is NOT a joke

Are you ready to be outraged?

Warning: Suicide triggers

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Not quite ouraged yet? Keep reading.

I want my money back

  

  
I hate to be the one who ruins the party because truly for a good number of people thinking back to their childhood is a good thing. 

So I apologize. Especially if you are American. Don’t mind me. Have a good thanksgiving instead. 

But for me, there’s really no break. It’d be so nice to be able to close my eyes and think of when I was 12 and smile and feel all warm and fuzzy inside. If you have that, treasure it. 
But I had a good reason for hardly being able to wait to be older. Rather, a number of good reasons: Screams, nasty insults, tears, blood are but a few that come to mind.

A terrible thing not to have a time in your life you can look back at and feel safe and at peace.

Yeah, good times 

Nightmares

Nightmares.

Clothes & bedding soaking wet.

Panic.

Hypnagogic state.

Softly weeping,

body shakes.

Quiet whimpering.

Will it ever end?

  

ADHD-addled Monday Musings

Well, I am crumbling under the weight of anxiety.

Between last week’s missing appointments and the sad, sad news about Swing Dynamite, I am completely bummed.

I am experiencing severe allergy episodes that are barely kept at bay with allergy medicine.

I had not had those since my teen and early 20s.

I am raking my brain trying to find the cause but so far I only have conjectures. I know I am highly allergic to grass – yes, grass, can you believe that? – but I am careful not to let it touch my skin when I’m out.

I haven’t changed any of the soap brands I use and I wear gloves whenever I do the dishes or clean.

So yeah, I have a few hypotheses but haven’t been able to prove – or disprove- any.

Maybe these episodes are caused by the anxiety itself.

After all, my face can attest of a seborrhoeic dermatitis flare-up

I’m trying hard not to lose control.

I’m reading a lot (yay, books). Just finished the Odd Thomas series among others. I enjoyed it very much but I have to say the last book was a disappointment. Too many loose ends left when that was intended as the end of the series which in my mind means it ought to wrap things up and give resolution. Oh well.

Just started the Meratis Trilogy. So far, so good.

I have kept up with the paper crafting and that is fun.  Here, let me show you the last couple of things I made:

Freaking Out

Holy cow.

Holy cow.

I truly fucked up this time.

I just found this in a pocket of my bag:

And then this: 
So I missed not one, not two, but THREE damn appointments this week.

Brilliant

Well, that was brilliant. I slept through all the alarms.

It is 10:26 am now and I had counselling at 9 am.

With a new counsellor too. 

UGH

UGH

I’m still in that nowhere space half between in a nightmare and fully awake. 

Sigh. 

I guess I should call my counsellor.

I hate this.   

 

The Beauty of this World

To keep the sorrow from overwhelming me, I remain focused on the beauty of this world, which is everywhere to be seen in rich variety, from the smallest wildflowers and the iridescent hummingbird that feeds on them to the night sky diamonded with fiery stars.

– Odd Thomas

            

PS: All photographs by me.

Sticks and Stones

Sticks and stones will break my bones But words will never harm me.

From Wikipedia:

“Sticks and Stones” is an English language children’s rhyme. It persuades the child victim of name-calling to ignore the taunt, to refrain from physical retaliation, and to remain calm and good-natured.

Sensible advice that, to remain calm and good-natured.

I have no problem with remaining calm.

But the truth is – as any person who’s ever been bullied can tell you, words can and do harm you.

Words can and do hurt you.

Words can and do cause you great pain.

Words can even lead you to suicide.

The Solstice Rolling Stone

Well, here I  am, searching for a place to live yet again.

While I still desire a home, at this point I’ll be happy to settle for peaceful living quarters.

I haven’t had a sense of home since I was woken up in the middle of the night by screaming only to find my mother’s blood down the hallway at age six and a half.

Ever since, all I had was living quarters.

Even after my children were born, we moved often enough to never think I had a home proper. You know the kind of place you feel you could settle and grow roots? Every new place was just another temporary place until I could move to Canada.

In retrospect, however, I suspect the lack of a “home” feeling was more because of my PTSD (of which I was only made aware of relatively recently) and less due to the constant moving.