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Forgive me my friends, this is not a happy post.

I’m so tired! 

It’s been building up for quite a while now

It’s not just that I’m down or sad. In fact, I received GREAT news today and that made me very happy. But I also got stressful news. News that might affect my living conditions, even.

The stress is wearing me out.

Everything takes so much effort.  My mind is very foggy and it’s hard to think. My body is fatigued and achy.

Even dancing, which brings me so much joy, also makes things more difficult in the end. I have always said that I rather dance and be  in pain than not dance and be sad. And I still stand by it. Dancing makes me more tired and sore but at least puts a smile on my face.  However the fatigue is getting to that point where it is too much for me to handle.

These are the times when I feel like I can’t take it anymore.

I don’t feel I have the psychological strength to fight the disability board, for example. It’s so difficult. No psychiatrist in town wants to take my case because it is too difficult. I have a wonderful therapist but he’s not a psychiatrist. He’s a family doctor with training in psychotherapy so even though he’s willing, he can’t bring my case to the board.

I’m so tired. If only I could go to sleep and never wake up….

It’s Monday again

Which for me, means nothing.  Every day is a Saturday for me.

I love my job.  I can sleep in every day which is very important for me.

You see, ever since I was very little (since I was born, according to the stories from grandma) I’ve been a night owl.  I suspect I have a mutation on one of the genes that control the Circadian clock, most likely the Tim (Timeless) gene because day light (or light of any kind) does not wake me up.  And I also suspect this mutation is hereditary as both my children are night owls as well as my sister.  We simply cannot wake up early in the morning.  We simply cannot go to bed at regular hours.

So both my daughter and I have perfect jobs.  We go to bed around 2 -3 am and wake up around 11 am- noon.  Absolutely perfect.

Anyway, hope you guys had a great weekend.

Mine was pretty good.

On Saturday, I went shopping with my daughter in the afternoon.

I got a wet shirt (like a wet suit but just the shirt) with SPF 50.  Water shoes -they called them aqua socks. Last year my feet were very sore from walking barefoot.  The concrete gets very hot and it actually burns your feet while your walking from one slide to the other.  I was NOT gonna let that happen this time around.  Those shoes feel like a sock actually.  Best $8 I’ve ever spent.  I also got a good pair on sunglasses -albeit very cheap cause they were on sale, so I wouldn’t be heart broken if I lost them.

Unfortunately, the shopping spree took a bit longer than I thought, and I was worried cause I was very tired by the time I got to the studio.

I had figured I’d take a nap between shopping and deejaying and I’d be OK.  When I got home at 8:55, I realized I was deejaying at 9:30 pm and NOT at 11 pm like I had previously thought.  So, I had to forget about the nap, quickly change and run to the studio instead.

In spite of being so tired, the set went very well. I was happy with it and people seemed to like it too cause I got a lot of compliments on it.  I got home at 1:30 am and crashed immediately.

On Sunday, I didn’t want to get up when the alarm went off but then I remembered what the day had to offer and I got up with a smile on my face.

We started the day with a yoga class at the studio.  SO good!  Best way to start a day. Continue reading

Rant

[rant]

Sometimes, I hate my body.

Sometimes, I feel cheated.

Sometimes, I think it’s really cruel to give someone SO much passion for life and then give them such a crappy, fragile, easily-breakable, sick body.

I’m thinking about this old joke about Colombia.  It goes like this:

God is making the plans for the creation.  St Peter is sitting in front of him, notepad and pen in hand, taking notes.   God says: OK, Colombia… hmmm, give them two oceans.  Give them all climate zones.  Give them a great diversity of fauna & flora. Give them a great variety of cattle, grains and anything edible. Give them oodles of gold & emeralds. Give them the best coffee in the world.  Give them… At this point, St Peter – a bit concerned, interjects, but Lord, isn’t that too much for one single country?

Continue reading