Pain, my old friend

Pain shoots through my every vein

Pain my old friend, my bane.


Of my body

each cell you saturate

and every fibre of my soul,

as well.


Wrecked vessel so shoddy

perfect companion for pain,

my body is.


And my soul, what of it?

Nothing but another channel

for my old friend to exist.


Frida Khalo’s La Columna Rota (The Broken Spine)


“I hope the exit is joyful — and I hope never to return — Frida”.

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Forgive me my friends, this is not a happy post.

I’m so tired! 

It’s been building up for quite a while now

It’s not just that I’m down or sad. In fact, I received GREAT news today and that made me very happy. But I also got stressful news. News that might affect my living conditions, even.

The stress is wearing me out.

Everything takes so much effort.  My mind is very foggy and it’s hard to think. My body is fatigued and achy.

Even dancing, which brings me so much joy, also makes things more difficult in the end. I have always said that I rather dance and be  in pain than not dance and be sad. And I still stand by it. Dancing makes me more tired and sore but at least puts a smile on my face.  However the fatigue is getting to that point where it is too much for me to handle.

These are the times when I feel like I can’t take it anymore.

I don’t feel I have the psychological strength to fight the disability board, for example. It’s so difficult. No psychiatrist in town wants to take my case because it is too difficult. I have a wonderful therapist but he’s not a psychiatrist. He’s a family doctor with training in psychotherapy so even though he’s willing, he can’t bring my case to the board.

I’m so tired. If only I could go to sleep and never wake up….