You win

I hate life.

There I said it.

I have spent decades finding gratefulness for what little I had. No parents? oh, who needs parents anyway, I can totally fend for myself. Pain? Oh, at least I have a roof under my head and I have food on my belly. Being told that everything is in my head? Oh at least I have my books and a great imagination. I can always escape to better worlds in my mind when nobody is looking.

I have tried to find strength and peace in the beauty of the little things. The birds coming to my balcony. My cats. Later on, when I finally made it to Canada, the falling leaves, the snow. The squirrels and chipmunks. The groundhogs. The Rideau canal. Swing Dancing.

But the truth is my life has been crap since day one. I was born extreme premature and spent the first months of my life in an incubator. The doctors told my mother not to get too attached to me because I most likely wouldn’t make it. And yet I did. I am pretty sure some god(s) with a lot of time in their hands and a very twisted and sick sense of humour had something to do with that. Perhaps they even made bets on how long I was going to last after all the things they had in store for me.

I spent my the first two years of my life in and out of the hospital and after that in an out of the pediatrician’s office with recurrent ear and throat infections which are the cause of my bilateral hearing loss.

I had no friends, as it is so common for children from very dysfunctional family environments.

Nonetheless, I puttered along. Hating every minute of it. Continue reading

The End of an Era

Fear. Excitement. Sadness. A whirlwind of emotions. A lump on my throat and a weight in my stomach.

But it is decided.

I am leaving Ottawa.

 

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Yes. After 13 years, I am moving -again, to a city where I don’t know anyone. Or just one person, rather.

Oh, I will be still in Canada. I know one can never say never but things would have to be truly desperate for me to leave the country I so love. Instead, I will be as close as I can be to the fiancé without actually moving to the States.

Kitties and I will embark in a whole new adventure. Wish us luck cause come November 30th, we’ll be saying goodbye to our beloved Ottawa.

All I can say is that I do hope and cross fingers that one day in a not too far future, we can all go back, fiancé-turned-husband included.