Bloody Vicious Cycles

Here I am, stuck in another one of those bloody vicious cycles we all know so well:

I’m in pain therefore I don’t exercise ==> I don’t exercise therefore I am in pain.

Throw a funny funk (aka depression) in and it just makes for a lovely recipe for another vicious cycle:

The more depressed I get, the less I am inclined to get out of bed, shower and go out ==> the less I go out, the more I get depressed.

In summary:

Vicious Cycle

Losing this particular battle at the moment, I’m afraid.

And it is not that I necessarily need human contact. I am quite happy on my own. But I do need nature contact. I need to feel the wind in my face, hear the birds sing, smell the grass, take the view in.

Don’t get me wrong. I enjoy meeting with friends over coffee and cake. Mmmm cake. I love hearing about what’s going on in their lives. I love laughing with them and even crying with them. And I love coffee and cake. Mmmm cake.

But I enjoy solitude, quietness, stillness. I don’t go insane over not talking to anyone for extended periods of time like some people tell me they do.

Nature, on the other hand, nature I can’t do without. Watching goofy squirrels work and play. Birds fly. The sound of water. The sight of threes. That I can’t can’t do without.

I could certainly do without ze physical pain, though. For sure.

That, however, won’t happen unless I go out and walk. Or exercise otherwise. Which is not happening. Because I am stuck in that bloody vicious cycle right now.

Need to break free somehow.

Time Heals Everything, they say

So I believe it is time to write a post that has been in my head for almost a year but was too painful to put into words.

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As some of you know, I had to stop dancing about a year ago, due to generalized intense joint pain.

For those of you new to my blog, I used to train, compete and perform with, teach, deejay and do social media for Swing Dynamite, a Swing Dance school in Ottawa. In fact, Ottawa’s only dedicated Swing Dance school.

Anyway, it was as if all my joints had suddenly decided to give up on me.

My ankles, my knees, my hips, my elbows, my wrists, my knuckles, my shoulders… even joints I didn’t know I had* hurt.

Not that I was any stranger to pain, mind you. Pain can even be considered my longest lasting friend, considering it started when I was 11 and I met my oldest friends when I was 12 back in 7th grade.

Every time I danced, I was in pain. Every time. But I also got a lot of joy out of it. The joy exceeded the pain by far so I danced.

However, it got to be that the pain over-weighted the joy so I had to stop. Continue reading

Silent Scream

Had the worst nightmare ever. The viciousness of it is mind-blowing.

I was trapped in it for a long long time too.

I had to fight for what felt like hours just to wake up and that is not even what made it vicious. The horror of it is unspeakable and as such I can not, will not utter the words.

I now lie in bed.

I am tired and disoriented but I don’t dare close my eyes. I can feel I am not free of the clutches yet. The room is still moving and I still feel like I am floating.

The bedding was soaking wet when I woke up, of course. It is still damp and all that made my hips very cold so I am in more pain now but I don’t mind. Perhaps the pain will keep me anchored in the awake world.

I am still terrified, nonetheless.

Healing by Purrs

A cat purring on your lap is more healing than any medicine in the world, as the vibrations you are receiving are of pure love and contentment.- Author unknown

This quote usually -but most likely erroneously, attributed to Francis of Assisi, fully exemplifies my day yesterday.

I spent the whole day with Jay by my side, with a healthy sprinkling of kneading, purring and headbutts by my new friend, sweet miss Patches.

Meet miss Patches

Meet miss Patches

I didn’t go out at all. Which makes me feel guilty because I didn’t go looking for Satchie. But on the other hand, today I am in a lot less pain, which is always nice. My body needed the break, for sure.

But most of all, I am in a much better state of mind today. Being reunited with Jay has made a huge difference. Even if he had to go through the stress of being in yet another brand new place, the third one in the same week. I hate putting him through all this but I would like to think that being with me also helps him. He’s starting to settle by now and I love to hear his heartwarming cooing every time I touch him or call out his name.

I am still worried, of course. I am still heartbroken and my heart won’t heal until I have Satchie again with me. I am still anxious about not having secured a place for January 1st. I am still angry that I will have to spend the holidays alone because of some stupid Border agent.

But I now know that this too shall pass and that eventually things will be okay.

Yeah, yeah, you were all right. You all knew I would. Even I knew I would.

Damn. I’m too stubborn to give up even when I try to convince myself that I do want to give up. I hate it but there’s nothing I can do. Millions of years of evolution hang heavily on me. We are all wired to survive no matter the pain.

But… dude!

Purring kitties.

That’s where it’s at!

Oh, and coffee. Let’s not forget coffee. Thanks to my current host for welcoming me with a cup of coffee and to the fiance for bringing me some of that good old Colombian magic beans!

FAQs Re: Windsor and Satchie

I decided to write this FAQs because I keep being asked the same questions by well-meaning people.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not being snarky. Or having rock star delusions. I am simply under severe stress and just one step away from doing that thing that makes people uncomfortable when spoken out loud. So if you asked and I gave you a link to this post as an answer, please don’t take it personal.

FAQs about Claudia being in Windsor, ON

Q: Why did you move to Windsor? Or its most common variant, why would you leave beautiful Ottawa to come to Windsor of all places?

A: For love. My fiance lives in Lansing, MI. The commute from Lansing to Ottawa is too long and too difficult when you struggle with anxiety and/or panic attacks. Windsor is as close as I can be to Lansing without leaving Canada.

Q: Why did you come to Windsor without first having found an apartment? 

A: Because I actually had a plan which was not by any stretch of the imagination, being stranded in Windsor. When it became obvious I wouldn’t have a place for December 1st (having to vacate my Ottawa place on November 30th), I decided to put everything in storage in Windsor, and then continue to Lansing. The initial plan was to come to Windsor, get settled at the new place, stay here for a week or two and THEN head to Lansing to spend the Holidays with the fiance and the Sidlets. Going straight to Lansing on the same day wasn’t too much of a deviation of the plan anyway, so that’s what we did.

Q: Why are you still here, then? Continue reading

[All I want for christmas is]

All I want for christmas is…

How many times it has been said.

A dad. A job. Love. A house. A promotion. A raise. A miraculous remission. Those skates. That bike. A pair of shoes for my daughter so she doesn’t have to walk barefoot to school. For the war to end. For that bastard to die.

I, too, have said it from time to time. Not every christmas. Most years, I had everything I needed. It seemed ungrateful to ask for more.

As this year’s christmas approaches, I sure have a few things I wish for. [All I want for christmas is] For this stupid farce of a life to end, for example. Continue reading

Surviving is not living

Of pain life is made

intense pain and grief.

In pain we are born

and in pain we leave.

We may loudly profess

our chains we can break

But the embrace of the shackles

no, that, we can’t shake.

Hoodwinked and confounded

we reach for the stars

forgetting our fetters

despite the old scars.

Cruel are the gods

always laughing at us

hurdles and moats

putting in our paths

And what do we get?

and for what, I do ask

well, nothing but pain

now, where is that mask?

Who mourns our losses,

who dries our tears?

We’re here to entertain them

throughout the long years.

Surviving is not living

but that’s all we can do

and then one day, maybe

we will be gods too.

Good Morning World

Last night, I cry myself to sleep. I was pinteresting and there was this pin on my feed, about animal cruelty. A monster had nailed a sweet little angel cat to a fence. Just writing about it makes my insides churn and I can feel the tears coming back.

And then I wake up today and this what I see. The scene took my breath away. The picture hardly does any justice to the landscape. The sunshine on the grass and on the leaves giving everything a lovely golden touch… the bright autumn colours… the blue sky…

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My view as I sip my delicious Colombian coffee

I hear the sound of the running water, the adorable goofy honking of the geese, the chirping of little birds, the music of our little wind chime.

I know life is difficult. For some more than others but everybody, nonetheless.

I know I am blessed. Lucky till no end. I have love. I am safe.

My heart still weeps for those who are suffering, furry and non-furry alike. My body still burns with wrath for the all injustice, the cruelty, the ugliness of this world.

But there is a soothing calm in my soul.

I will continue to bathe in the peacefulness of my surroundings, allowing myself to grow stronger so I can be the change I wish to see in the world

When The Beast Breaks Free

I write this with tears in my eyes.

I have talked before about my anger issues. As a child and a teenager I was angry all the time. I didn’t know why I was angry. I just was. Even worse, I didn’t even know I was angry. I wasn’t aware that anger was burning deep inside me, killing me from the inside out.

I didn’t get into fights. I didn’t hit anyone. But I was much too stern and I kept everyone at arm’s length. The smallest of things was enough to set me off and I’d yell an angry retort and stomp away to go simmer in my room.

Being a gifted child didn’t help either. To me, everybody was utterly stupid and I looked at pretty much everyone with contempt. It is quite normal for everybody to see themselves as the norm. I didn’t think of myself as gifted. I saw myself as having a “normal” intelligence. So, if I was a regular, average kid , then everybody else had to be stupid because, how else do you explain the fact that they don’t understand things as easily and as quick as you do? Math class was the worse. I was always angry during those. I couldn’t understand how my classmates didn’t understand such basic concepts. It took me a while to realize I was smarter than the rest. It probably didn’t happen until 6th grade, when the nuns started to assign students to me for tutoring. I don’t know how we all survived that. The poor other kids, because I didn’t hit them for being slow and I, because I managed to not hit anyone and not call anyone names. My charges were terrified of me, but they improved. And the more they improved, the more the nuns would assigned more girls to be tutored by me. By ninth grade, girls were coming to me out of their own volition and I helped them all. I started to get an inkling on how to control The Beast, whatever it was. How to keep it at bay.

Continue reading

My very own brand of Murphy’s Law

Well friends, I always try hard to stay positive and away from negative thoughts.

Today, however, I am losing that battle.

So I apologize in advance cause I am in the mood for ranting today and nothing else.

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I am tired of struggling. I know everyone’s lives are difficult, if only in different ways. Everybody has it though. But I am tired of my kind of though.

I am tired of being in pain. I am tired of hospitals. I am trying of medications. I am tired of this weird body I got.

I am tired of nothing being easy for me.

I am tired of things going wrong so often. Probability theory tells me that I should expect half of the happening in my life should go wrong. Hindsight bias tells me that I probably overstating the wrong outcomes and ignoring (or underplaying) the good ones. Quite possible. But still, it feels like -in my life, anything that can go wrong WILL indeed go wrong.

murphys-law-ecard

Continue reading