Holy 🐄

I just wrote this blurb as a way of introducing myself to a new Facebook group. Which group matters not. 

But Holy Cow, it all sounds so preposterous when put together.

I mean, would you not think it would be impossible for any one individual to be so fucked up? 

So I laughed. Because it is ludicrous. And now I’m sharing it here so you can laugh with me too.

1. I have no filters. No, seriously. I have lost friendships over this. So please let me know if/when I cross the line. Any line. I have a hard time understanding and recognising lines.

 

2. Just a little bit of a background.
Things/illnesses I deal with: 
Chronic pain since age 11. Current diagnosis, fibro. 
Mental illness. PTSD and all that follows. Depression, anxiety, panic attacks, emotional lability, etc.
Progressive neurological deterioration of unknown origin. MS ruled out. No working diagnosis at the moment.
ADHD & Giftedness. Never been diagnosed with Autism, but my educated guess given my medical background is that I am in the spectrum even if highly functional.
POTS. Hypothyroidism. Dysfunctional contraregulatory hormone response. Basically, my whole hypothalamic–pituitary–adrenal axis is broken.
Dysgraphia made worse by a TIA four years ago. Especially aggravating when taking math tests. UGH
Woman of Colour (black and native) who is light enough to almost pass as white. You’d think that would not represent a problem. But it is aggravating that [racist] people treat me nice while they are the way they are to my brothers and sisters. I carry much anger inside. Sometimes I think I’m going to spontaneously combust, so fierce it roars.
3. I have never learned how to be succinct. Don’t know how to be concise.
4. Apparently I don’t know how to count either.

There you have it.

Isn’t it hilarious in its preposterousness? 

PS: posting from phone so formating will be wonky. Sorry you have to deal with it

Don’t mind me if I do

We have a saying in Colombia (we have a saying for every single thing under the sky, apparently) that goes something like this: “No evil/illness* lasts a hundred years”.

Then, also apparently, we have to have corolaries for the sayings. And this ones goes “nor there is a body that can endure it”.

The first part refers to the fact that no matter how bad things are, they are bound to get better at some point, even if it takes a hundred years.

In typical Colombian dry humour, the second part reminds us that if we have to wait that long for things to get better, there is no way we will survive it.

Luckily for me, I didn’t have to wait a hundred years.

A week and counting…

Check my new post on Canvas to find out what the heck I’m talking about:  Don’t mind me if I do

Source: Don’t mind me if I do

* The Spanish word “mal” can refer both to evil, in the sense of misfortune and to illness or sickness.

Such an SSG thing to do

It was about mid-January when I realized Valentine’s Day was coming up.

I set up to make some valentines card to sell. Got my computer and designed something close to 20 cards. I was on a roll. I spent about a week designing them and I have to say I was very happy with the results.

Then it was time to get to the actual paper cutting, die-cutting, glueing, etc.  That’s when I realized I was out of glue.

Went to the one and only craft store here and they didn’t have it. So I ordered online.

It finally arrived on February 1.

I had hoped to have the cards ready to sell by that date but okay. I said to myself, “Myself, it’ll be ok. You’ll have the cards ready in a couple of days and then you can start selling them”.

Ha! Continue reading

Doodles

Well, I was so tired and weakened yesterday that I fell asleep in the afternoon and it all happened again. The nightmares, the sleep paralysis, the hallucinations.

As a result, I refused to sleep last night.

Haven’t slept yet.

So I decided to make digital doodles instead.

Cat doodles, of course.

After all, I am a bona fide Crazy Cat Lady.

 

Let’s Talk

For the third year in a row, I have been asked to join the Healthy Minds Canada Team for the Let’s Talk Day campaign Needless to say, I consider it an honour.

Last year’s Bell Let’s Talk Day raised $6,107,538 for mental health initiatives in Canada. Not a bad figure, if you ask me.

Today’s Bell Let’s Talk Day finds me in an almost non-stop 24 hours streak of nightmares and their aftermath of hypnopompic hallucinations and sleep paralysis.

I am writing this blog post with shaky hands and the room is not quite still yet. It is slowly expanding and contracting in a seemingly endless cycle.

When I was first diagnosed with a mental illness, I felt my world fall apart.

As a person, I was afraid I’d be the laughing stock of society at large and pitied by my community.

As a mother, I was afraid that should my children eventually display symptoms of mental illness, they would be unceremoniously discarded as learned behaviours displayed by their crazy mother.

As a woman, I was afraid of being labelled as simply screaming for attention. Which did happen, by the way. Of course it happened. Especially among the medical community, my professors, who were mostly men, of course.

As a physician, I was afraid of being ostracized by the medical community for being unprofessional and hysterical. In the original sense of the word, not in the sense of being ludicrously funny.

Charcot_experience_histeric-hipnotic

Professor Jean-Martin Charcot of Paris Salpêtrière demonstrates hypnosis on a “hysterical” patient

 

All those things happened in one way or the other, so I learned to keep it to myself and instead come up with societally valid excuses for my absences.  Continue reading

Losing Control of my Sanity

At least in this case, a good deed didn’t go unpunished.

The neighbours managed to turn me into a nerve wreck.

I can’t sleep. Every time I hear their patio door open my heart skips a beat. I am also very jumpy.

Anxiety levels are up to the roof.

They continue to make loud passive-aggressive remarks on their deck, I guess in hopes that I hear them. And I do. Unfortunately, this house seems to be made of paper.

The house was turned into a quadruplex, two units on the first floor and two more on the second. I can pretty much hear everything my next door neighbour within the same house. I can perfectly hear which tv show he’s watching. Or was, because he moved out.

When my neighbour down below does laundry, the whole house shakes and it sound like the washer is in my unit instead of hers. When the washer is in the centrifuging part of the cycle, my whole place shakes. I have often made jokes about this.

So it doesn’t come as a shock to me that I can hear very well everything that is said on the next door house deck or even what the neighbours say inside their house if their windows and mine are open.

I don’t know if they know this but I am certainly hearing all their threats, insults and the like.

And that is certainly drilling a whole in my sanity.

So wish they could be charged for causing me to become ill.