It weights heavily on me

Well, today I’m hating the world more than usual. I’m thoroughly discouraged by the apathy, insensitivity, lack of care and selfishness of human beings. 

Not to mention the maliciousness of the human mind. The ease with which it devises more and more efficient ways of killing. Of torturing. Of breaking someone’s spirit.

What kind of monster comes up with the idea of gas bombs?

That they exist is horrible and unthinkable enough.

That someone thought to throw them in at a place and a time when so many children are gathered is the stuff from nightmares.

That the rest of the world goes on without giving a fuck is a weight I am not strong enough to bear.

But to add insult to injury, then there’s this: 

Had to take this screenshot. It is from the comments on a series of pictures and videos of the horrifying gas attack in Syria from the Syrian American Medical Society- SAMS. There were many comments, as one can imagine. All expressing the expected emotions, shock, sadness, disgust. But above all, concern for the victims and their families, for all affected.

Except for this “person” who demands the post be taken down because omg how dare they ruin her day by showing such upsetting images.

As someone commented, “Wow. Yes, Heaven forbid HER day be ruined by the deaths of innocent children!”

I’ve had several people I considered friends tell me a variation on that. That they just want to see happy things. Pictures of cats, or puppies. That they are too sensitive and therefore cannot watch the news. 

That kind of coldness of the heart, of disconnect, of self-centeredness is incompatible with my software. It causes my hardware to overload and short circuit. 

I understand there is only so much a human brain can deal with. I understand we all need to take breaks now and then from awful news for our own mental health. This is not what I’m talking about.

I’m talking about purposely placing yourself inside a bubble that keeps the suffering of the world away as if it didn’t exist. Doing this is to disconnect yourself from that which makes you human.

That’s where you start to see others as dummies. Non-human entities. As things without feelings. 

That’s when you have no moral conflict when your government orders a soldier in an isolated bunker to push that button. While he who gives the order proceeds to join the family to celebrate a grandchild’s birthday. Or something.

That cognitive dissonance.

That’s when you turn into that person who takes to social media to inform all your friends how much your life sucks because you were stuck in traffic for half an hour. And can you believe the “bitch” on the outside lane had the nerve to get in front of me when cars finally started moving? And now you dare posting upsetting stuff that will appear on my feed when I’m already having such a bad day??? FML.

It weights heavily on me.

My momma didn’t tell me

Having one of those Why The Fuck Did I Get Out Of Bed In The First Place? days.

I detest that blasted “fuck my life” expression as I am well aware that my life, when you think about it, is pretty good. I am not homeless. I am not starving. I am a citizen of – and live in- a safe and beautiful country. I know I am loved by family and friends.

That, by any account, is a blesses life in all the true sense of the word, religion notwithstanding.

But right now I am mighty tempted to scream fuck my life at the top of my lungs.

But most of all, and really, this is what it all comes down to, FUCK MENTAL ILLNESS.

You know what I mean?

What is loneliness, really?

You can be surrounded
by hundreds in the city
and still feel all alone.

By yourself be and yet
a sweet memory sustains you
When everyone is gone.

What defines that odd space
so empty yet so heavy
in the proverbial middle
of your being, of your soul?

What is the ellusive nature
of the hungry black hole
threatening to swallow
the very light of your core?

Quantum physics be damned!
One day you feel connected.
The next you are so lost.

The figments of my essence
of fickle fibers, they are made.
To have them be permanent
I haven’t found a way.

Yes, of them I am a puppet
forever I must run.

There and back; forever struggling,
to find and patch the gaps.

Perhaps one day, perhaps,
I will remain connected
I will remain attached.

And loneliness will be
but a thing of the past.

Diamond Heart, Hard but Fragile

Warning: Sad post ahead.

I had the intention of keeping it to myself but I am so sad and discouraged!

It was bad enough to lose my Satchie when I moved to Windsor.

But then Mama Cat came into my life and despite all the soap opera drama with the neighbours, she brought me much happiness.

First, she impressed me with her motherhood skills.

Then she gave me such an unexpected gift when she decided to stick around and adopt me even after all her babies were gone to good homes.

She made me laugh with her crazy silly antics and she stole my heart with her affection and her altogether sweet disposition.


Continue reading

ADHD-addled Monday Musings

Well, I am crumbling under the weight of anxiety.

Between last week’s missing appointments and the sad, sad news about Swing Dynamite, I am completely bummed.

I am experiencing severe allergy episodes that are barely kept at bay with allergy medicine.

I had not had those since my teen and early 20s.

I am raking my brain trying to find the cause but so far I only have conjectures. I know I am highly allergic to grass – yes, grass, can you believe that? – but I am careful not to let it touch my skin when I’m out.

I haven’t changed any of the soap brands I use and I wear gloves whenever I do the dishes or clean.

So yeah, I have a few hypotheses but haven’t been able to prove – or disprove- any.

Maybe these episodes are caused by the anxiety itself.

After all, my face can attest of a seborrhoeic dermatitis flare-up

I’m trying hard not to lose control.

I’m reading a lot (yay, books). Just finished the Odd Thomas series among others. I enjoyed it very much but I have to say the last book was a disappointment. Too many loose ends left when that was intended as the end of the series which in my mind means it ought to wrap things up and give resolution. Oh well.

Just started the Meratis Trilogy. So far, so good.

I have kept up with the paper crafting and that is fun.  Here, let me show you the last couple of things I made: Continue reading

Losing Time

Well, I was going to write a post.

I think I sat in front of the computer about 1.5 hrs ago.

I think.

I didn’t write anything and I don’t even remember what I was going to write about.

1.5 hrs have gone by.

I lost that time.

————————————————————– Continue reading

The Holiday Season that wasn’t

Heartbreak

Anger

Sadness

Bitterness

Loneliness

Not a lot of Holiday spirits here, as you can see.

This holiday season easily takes the prize of the second worst Christmas ever. By like a mile.

Transplanted to a new city. Alone. Far, far away from my children. Missing Satchie.

No decorations, no yule tree, no joy, no singing, no dancing, no presents.

There’s always a first time for everything, they say. And this is the first x-mas there wasn’t any presents. In my 13 years in Canada, I’ve gotten used to the no singing, no dancing part. But there was always some decorations, some cheer, a tree, some traditional food and some presents with little monetary value but highly priced in love.

I know it is not about fancy gifts. It has never been about the money. But one of the things that give me joy is getting the people I love a present that will bring a smile to their faces. I truly enjoy shopping for presents for them. I didn’t get to do any holiday shopping, for various reasons. 1. I’ve got no family in this continent. 2. After paying first and last month rent for the place I am taking possession of next week, I was left with very little money. 3. Even if I had money, there’s that little issue of anxiety getting in the way of me going out to the ONE mall in this city.

In theory, the shopping should have been very easy since I only had to shop for the fiance (the gifts for the Sidlets were made a long time ago, when I was still in Lansingtown. Besides, I don’t think I’ll get to see them any time soon and not for a long time). But the lack of money and the anxiety of getting on a bus in a city I am not familiar with, got the best of me.

Whatever.

Actually, I lied. I did manage with the help of the fiance, to get Jay a last minute catnip fish and a can of wet food. He was very happy with bothCatnip fish

Honouring the children of Peshawar

Another day, another tragedy.

Some men walked into a school in Pakistan and massacred over 100 kids and their teachers.

I just can’t go about my day knowing that so many mothers and fathers are mourning their children right now. I just can’t. And the fact that it is getting so little media coverage compared to other news just adds to my pain.

I often ask people why is it that they don’t say much or anything at all about this kind of despicable acts.

I am often told something like this:

I can’t watch the news. I’ve been told I don’t care about important issues, but it just hurts too much. I can’t process such cruelty.

or this:

It is not that I don’t care. It’s that I care too much. I avoid watching things I can do nothing about.

And then there is the nagging feeling that some things are not talked about as much because they happen in parts of the world that matter less.  Very disturbing. Continue reading

FAQs Re: Windsor and Satchie

I decided to write this FAQs because I keep being asked the same questions by well-meaning people.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not being snarky. Or having rock star delusions. I am simply under severe stress and just one step away from doing that thing that makes people uncomfortable when spoken out loud. So if you asked and I gave you a link to this post as an answer, please don’t take it personal.

FAQs about Claudia being in Windsor, ON

Q: Why did you move to Windsor? Or its most common variant, why would you leave beautiful Ottawa to come to Windsor of all places?

A: For love. My fiance lives in Lansing, MI. The commute from Lansing to Ottawa is too long and too difficult when you struggle with anxiety and/or panic attacks. Windsor is as close as I can be to Lansing without leaving Canada.

Q: Why did you come to Windsor without first having found an apartment? 

A: Because I actually had a plan which was not by any stretch of the imagination, being stranded in Windsor. When it became obvious I wouldn’t have a place for December 1st (having to vacate my Ottawa place on November 30th), I decided to put everything in storage in Windsor, and then continue to Lansing. The initial plan was to come to Windsor, get settled at the new place, stay here for a week or two and THEN head to Lansing to spend the Holidays with the fiance and the Sidlets. Going straight to Lansing on the same day wasn’t too much of a deviation of the plan anyway, so that’s what we did.

Q: Why are you still here, then? Continue reading

Surviving is not living

Of pain life is made

intense pain and grief.

In pain we are born

and in pain we leave.

We may loudly profess

our chains we can break

But the embrace of the shackles

no, that, we can’t shake.

Hoodwinked and confounded

we reach for the stars

forgetting our fetters

despite the old scars.

Cruel are the gods

always laughing at us

hurdles and moats

putting in our paths

And what do we get?

and for what, I do ask

well, nothing but pain

now, where is that mask?

Who mourns our losses,

who dries our tears?

We’re here to entertain them

throughout the long years.

Surviving is not living

but that’s all we can do

and then one day, maybe

we will be gods too.