Because

Because there was a time when I would have rather die than admit I had a mental illness.

Because I’ve had people telling me I was lazy because I couldn’t get out of bed on a bad day.

Because unfortunately, we live in a world where if you break your arm, everyone runs over to sign your cast. But if you tell people you’re depressed, everyone runs the other way. That’s the stigma.

Kevin Breel: Confessions of a Depressed Comic

TEDxKids@Ambleside - Photo by Josh Hemond - Ke...

TEDxKids@Ambleside – Photo by Josh Hemond – Kevin Breel (7) (Photo credit: JoshRHemond)

I chickened out

This week was auditions week at Swing Dynamite.

I signed up for the Jam Crew, as intended.

Then, in a moment of bravery, I also signed up for TNTeam.  My dream team. The team I have always wanted to be in.

The audition for Jam Crew was on Wednesday.  It went very well and I have no doubt I’ll make the cut.

The audition for TNTeam was this evening.  Earlier today I made the mistake of asking my daughter (who will be coaching TNTeam as usual) how many people had signed for the audition.  5 men and 10 women, she said.

So I chickened out.  Didn’t show up for the audition.  I knew that at least 4 of those women we practically in so I’d be fighting for one spot with the other six.

I couldn’t deal with the thought of defeat.  I couldn’t deal with the pain of not making it.

But now I’ll never know.  I could have been that one.  And I’ll never know.  Because I was too much of a coward to show up and give my best

 

 

 

#ReasonsForAShrink 2

Funny how people – specially children, tend to carry other people’s burdens on their shoulders.  We get loaded with them without asking for it.

For years and years I carried the shame of what my father had done.  I thought people would stay away from me if they knew, I guess.  These things are not really a conscious thought.  They stay underneath like underground waters.  You are not aware they’re there but they run deep, carving the rock -or your brain, and the longer you let them be, the bigger the hole.  Soon they become rivers and they create underground caverns.  Very breath-taking when they occur in nature but not so much when it happens in your psyche.

Of course I wasn’t aware of this.  I even went through med school and learn about it in class (I had to take psychobiology, psychopathology and psychiatry).  I pitied those poor children and adults I had as patients.  I felt for them and even cried for them without realizing I was just the same.

7 years of therapy here in Canada led to my previous post where I finally was able to talk (or in this case, write) about my burden.

After another night of horrible nightmares, I just realized I still carry another one: I feel responsible for my mother’s death.  I FAILED to protect her.  I FAILED to keep her safe like I said I would that pivotal day when I packed our stuff and took her and my little sister -who is 6 years my junior, to grandma’s house.

I wasn’t there the day she died .  I could’ve (and in my mind, I should’ve) taken that bullet for her.  See, I told her everything would be all right and I lied.  She ended up being murdered :(

I’ve been haunted by it ever since.  Sometimes I think I should have let her go back to my father.  There is a lot more to it of course, but that’s what I sometimes think.  Maybe she would still be alive if that would’ve been the case.  Other times I think it was better that way.  That at least she finally stopped suffering and that she went to a much better place where she can be happy.  Where she’s not in pain anymore.  Having your nose broken every now and then cannot be fun.

I don’t know.  I don’t have any answers.