Anger

I was finally able to take a little time to catch up on blogs. Boy, am I ever happy I decided two years ago to start my own blog. What a journey it’s been. It is truly a privilege to read all these beautiful stories. Sure, some are sad, but beautiful nonetheless. Cause they speak of human beings trying (and many a time succeeding) to rise above the miseries of life.

One of the posts I read was Anger.

I tried to write some sort of encouraging comment but was instead transported to some sort of a trigger-induced limbo.

After a few seconds of almost-but-not-quite panic, I realized I could control it. And that was very liberating!

I know anger. In my childhood, teens and early 20’s, anger roamed freely. An unbridled beast. It was horrible. I was horrible. I wasn’t mean or anything. But because I could not directly hate my parents, I turned my anger into a terrible temper. People knew well to stay out of my way. Which suited me just fine as I didn’t really wanted to interact with people that much. Eventually I did have friends cause when my anger wasn’t triggered by something (I considered) stupid, I was actually a nice person. And a very empathetic one at that.

It is such a weird thing. I really don’t understand. It doesn’t make ANY sense in my head how I could be so empathetic and sympathetic to other people’s problems but also so angry at so many things.

Anyway, I survived those years, and I still remain close friends with those people from middle and high school. Then, came the children and Med School.

You would think that children and anger would be a terribly devastating combination. But I guess my maternal instincts kicked in and for whatever reason, I started to internalize my anger. Thank goodness cause I’ve seen what terrible damage angry parents can do to children. I almost hit one of those parents at my hospital once, during my Paediatric ER rotation. I had to be removed from the room. That was one of the very few instances where Anger was unleashed again.

However, most of the time it was as Magically Mad says:

I cannot access my anger. I have sadness in spades, I swim in anxiety, and, to reference a Morrissey song, death is always at my elbow, linked.

And now, looking back, it is obvious to see that the less I could express my anger, the more I succumbed to depression. In retrospect -and with the medical knowledge I have now, I can see that depression was there even in my last years of childhood. However, it was not diagnosed until I was in my third year of Med School and only because I was taking Psychopathology and I was like, “holy crap, I think I have Clinical Depression!” After thinking about it for a while, I decided to talk to one of my professors for that course about it. She suggested I saw her at her private practice and after a few session she confirmed my fears. I was already 25, I think.

And thus my “official” battle with Mental Illness officially started. At some point, it was so bad, my treating doctors were considering ECT cause I was not showing any improvement after taking a drug cocktail and 3-times a week sessions.

But I made it. How? I have no idea. Mostly luck, is my educated guess.

I can’t really remember when or how (most likely it was a progressive thing) but by my early to mid-thirties the anger was [mostly] gone.

I was lucky enough to find a good GREAT psychotherapist. We tried several drugs until I found one that works for me. I am still very sensitive to sad or tragic stories and I always feel anger when I read about the horrible things humans do to each other or to animals but I think that is normal anger. Anyone should be rightfully angered by that, methinks.

Now, I can’t remember the point of this post. Where was I going?

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Confused cat is confused

Blogging, I think. How blogging connects people and gives them a chance to learn from others. To feel that you are not alone in your battle. I think that was it.

I am rambling now.

I am happy though. I know that dark times will always lurk at the next turn but I am better prepared to face them. And blogging certainly helps with that.

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20 thoughts on “Anger

  1. magicallymad says:

    Well that’s outstanding that you beat your demons back, even if you’re just keeping them at arms length. So many of us are trying. Congrats! Interesting what you say about anger suppression…I’ve got to approach & attack that one in my own head…lovely post, lovely cat. Big hugs, Doc!

  2. Madame Weebles says:

    This is so great to read, SSG—I’ve battled with depression/anger myself, and you’re right, without expressing the anger, you can’t deal with it, and then the depression just builds. That’s what happened to me too, and fortunately I had a great therapist to help me too. Big hugs to you!

    • SummerSolsticeGirl says:

      The funny thing, is that I only made the connection today after reading Magically Mad’s post. Isn’t it funny how sometimes we’re oblivious to things that are SO obvious?

      I mean, my therapist always told me that it was not good for me to get angry at things or people. I knew at the intellectual level that shutting down was not good for me. But now, looking back, I see the dramatic correlation.

      • Madame Weebles says:

        I didn’t get the connection myself until my therapist pointed it out to me. I was never allowed to get angry as a kid–I wasn’t permitted to express anger, upset, frustration, disappointment, etc. So it all got bottled up and depression was the result. My therapist asked me, “Well, why WOULDN’T you be depressed, not being able to express very basic feelings and emotions, that you are entitled to feel?” That’s when I really started to feel better, after that.

  3. Sophy says:

    A beautiful and strong post to read, and it takes a brave person to write it. I’m glad you did. A lot of people suffer in silence, thinking that they’re strange and horrible.

    For me, I have been angry too. Really angry. And really sad. I’m not anymore, but I also feel that I’m really glad that I can feel all these emotions. When everything was really bad I couldn’t feel anything at all, just apathy, and that is something I never want to experience again. I think that people who feel anger and sadness strongly also can feel passion and happiness strongly, which seem to be rare these days. Everything has two sides, and even if that isn’t a comforting though when you’re in your darkest place, it is when you’re on top of the world again.

  4. Sword-chinned bitch says:

    It is inspiring to see that you have gotten through all of this with a positive outlook. As you say, we do learn and gain something by sharing our stories with blogging. You have come through this as a caring, loving person and we can all learn from that!

  5. meizac says:

    What an inspiring post, SSG. I would never have thought that you had issues with anger, which I think is only more evidence at how well you’ve done to overcome your demons.

      • the howler and me says:

        Family always does that to me too… I did a lot of bad things in the name of anger…. 20 years later… I am still catching shit for it…. Do I feel bad? Sure, at least for the times that I actually physically HURT someone, or HURT someone’s feelings… but we have to forgive ourselves.

        We didn’t know any better. we didn’t have the right tools to “fix” ourselves. I almost threw my a sibling down a flight of stairs, I gave the same sibling a black eye (from throwing a baseball at them)

        • SummerSolsticeGirl says:

          You are absolutely right. We didn’t know better. I am sorry to hear that is your situation :(

          However, I have to say that I meant silly jokes in good fun. My family is actually really awesome (on both sides) and they never make me feel bad about anything. It’s me who feels bad inside cause they have always been great. I really enjoy spending time with them although I don’t see them much as they’re all still in Colombia

            • SummerSolsticeGirl says:

              Oh no worries. I do sincerely hope your family lets go of all the grudges, though. There’s no healing without forgiving. However, even if they don’t, the most important thing is that you forgive yourself for whatever happened. You are the most important thing in your life. If that makes any sense…

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