It is cold and dark in here

I feel absolutely dead inside.

There is no sunshine, no solace. There’s only the freezing cold, dark, numbness of the desert of my soul.

Oh, the mask is on today (the mask is always required). Very rarely I dare not to wear it because I get burned when I don’t.

Even in the one place where I thought I didn’t have to wear it, I still do.

You’ll see me smile today. You’ll see me being civil and polite. Isn’t that what society is all about? That we are civil and polite to each other while committing the most horrible crimes?

“I can’t take the evil of this world anymore”. That’s what I said yesterday. And yet, here I am, still alive today. How can I still be alive if my heart is broken in a million frozen little pieces?

Right. Because I am condemned to grow a heart every night, so it can be broken again every day. The gods are mean and bloodthirsty and that is the penalty for being born with one.

Be the change you want to see, they say.

Well, I am that change. But day after day I get crushed. What kind of change is that?

Sadness and anger. Despair and murderous thoughts. An unholy desire to do to people what they have done to other living things.

Rage.

Cold Red fury.

There is no hope for the human race and there is no hope for me either, because I hate.

Hell and damnation.

That’s where I am going.

Because in my mind, each one of the little bastards is dying a very slow and painful death, while being fed all the suffering the collective human hive has inflicted on the world for countless centuries.

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13 thoughts on “It is cold and dark in here

  1. Ruby Tuesday says:

    Sweetie, the only human I can think of who doesn’t have issues with trying to remain calm and kind while wanting to subject others to torture from time to time is His Holiness the Dalai Lama. We all need that vent.

    You pick yourself up and keep trying, which proves you have hope left and a good soul (which everyone who knows you was already clued in on).

    Be kind to yourself today. Rest. This is why we raise hell each in our own time, so no one person has to commit to the activity every breath of their life. You take your time. The rest of us have got it for today.

    I know, because I cannot count the days you’ve had it for me without ever knowing it.

    Love love love you. ♡♡♡

  2. purplemary54 says:

    ((Hugs)) Let that anger and hate flow through you for a bit. Listen to some loud, angry music. Scream along. Howl at the moon. Imagine all the things you could do with a couple of hand grenades. Then, take a deep cleansing breath, and let as much of it go as you can. Don’t poison yourself by holding it in.

  3. Laura P. Schulman, MD, MA says:

    Sigh. Depression, where the sun is out, the birds are singing, and the truly sensitive feel like shit, because we see and feel and KNOW what lives behind that mask. “Buck up, me hearty, you have so much too be thankful for.” As my sweet dying daddy would say (and still does, if he is conscious enough) “bulllll-SHIT!” The muggles will never understand, because they have no way of knowing. It is a lonely life. When down in the Black Hole, I cannot even imagine that there is life…until, one glorious day, it all turns around and there are Tinkerbell fairies tittering behind every curtain and niche….oh how lovely…would that it could last forever, but always that foreboding that some trigger, sometime, soon, is bound to pitch me over the edge again….I heartily recommend screaming along with Janis Joplin turned up real loud. Sing and dance till you can’t anymore, fall down in an endorphin-soaked heap in the middle of the floor….works for me, for a while, anyway….sending good juju to you!

    • Summer Solstice Girl says:

      Heh! Yes, singing and dancing are the best therapy. Unfortunately, I have a damn lower back spams and can hardly move right now.

      I totally agree with you. However, I am not even depressed right now. But man, was it ever a black hole that day. It hit me really hard. Thank goodness I am out now

      Thank you my dear friend, thank you!

  4. Sandee says:

    I know this was a couple of days ago, and I hope things are a little better. I saw Mary’s comment — ha! I sit here after many days of shit gone wrong listening to sludge metal, the premier Upside Down Cross album — yes! It’s completely right for me now. There’s a song on there called “I hate the world.” Perfect. After listening to this song, I feel so right. Ah, life. Who’s joke is this? — Hahaha!

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