Things I’d like to tell my brain

*WARNING: I’m pissed.  There will be a lot of swearing here. Consider yourself warned.

[In fact, I tell my brain all the time but the fucking bastard never listens]

  1. Yes, I know my whole childhood consisted of waking up to horrible screams, lots of blood and trips to the hospital
  2. Yes, my mother was murdered.  By my father.  Do you really think I would fucking forget something like that?
  3. Yes, seeing your mother’s blood covering the couch and the living room is an awful sight
  4. Yes, I know I am very traumatized by that
  5. No, seeing my father murdered (also shot in the head) years later didn’t help a bit

But! Must you fucking remind me every fucking night of my life?

It is really not cool to wake up every other hour -all covered in sweat and sometimes even screaming, only to fall back asleep and start the same bullshit all over again.

It is really not cool to be all tired the next day.

Do you think this is a kind of exercise, either of the mind or the body? Cause I am not losing any weight (in fact I’m putting weight on) even though all my muscles are sore.  And CLEARLY it is not working cause at 43, you are still torturing me with this god-awful nightmares.

And while we’re on the subject, what the fuck are you trying to accomplish with that sleep paralysis? Is this some sort of a very sick joke?

Cause really, I don’t see the point on having me experience all this hallucinations and to make it even more interesting (you sick bastard) you paralyze me so I can’t ask for help.

FUCK OFF, BRAIN. FUCK OFF.

You’re strategy is worth shit.

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36 thoughts on “Things I’d like to tell my brain

  1. Madame Weebles says:

    Holy crap, SSG. Do you want me to come over and give your brain a good talking to? And sleep paralysis is horrifying–I’ve only had it a few times but it scared the hell out of me. That’s awful. Everything you’ve been through is awful. Your brain needs to stop replaying all that stuff!

    But it’s not like I’m telling you anything you don’t already know.

  2. Ink. [Anette] says:

    What a fucking awful story Summer Girl. Crazy things like these should only be allowed in lousy movies, but of course they happen in real life… that’s where bad movies get their inspiration.
    Are you awake when you get the flashbacks or is is more like a nightmare that wakes you up and then you can’t get it out of your mind again? What is sleep paralysis? Big hugs to you summer girl.

    • SummerSolsticeGirl says:

      I do have flashbacks while awake at times (lovely) but what I’m talking about here is nightmares -either one loooooooong one all through the night I can’t awake from, or multiple nightmares in the same night in a seemingly endless fall-asleep-have-nightmare-wake-up-fall-asleep-again-have-nightmate-again cycle.

      I suffer from something called Parasomnias. You can read about it here http://www.sleepfoundation.org/article/ask-the-expert/sleep-and-parasomnias

      And as it is usual with me [cause I can’t just have one or two things, oh no, I MUST have the whole spectrum] I usually wake up to frightening hallucinations and I can’t move any muscle of my body -which includes vocal cords, so I can’t scream or ask for help. FML

      Thanks for the hugs, though. I could use a lot of hugs today

      • Ink. [Anette] says:

        Oh that’s sleep paralysis?!! I didn’t know it had a name. I’ve always found it pretty cool, because I leaves me with this state of complete numbness or dead calm, which I like… But of course I’ve never experienced them “spiced-up” or combined with nightmares. The mixture you’re dealing with sounds really frigging scary summer girl!! I’m sending you a big bunch of big hugs and hope you are feeling better today.

        • SummerSolsticeGirl says:

          Ah. Yeah, every now and then I’ll be just laying there and it feels like I’m floating. That’s not bad. In those cases, there’s no sense of fear or need to escape from anything. Unfortunately that’s usually not the case. Most of the time there’s hallucinations and an impending sense of doom. I want to fully wake up, to move or at least scream for help but I can’t :(

  3. waywardweed says:

    Just a note re sleep paralysis … many people experience it, including me, although it has been years. Everyone is paralized during certain periods in the sleep cycle. It is scary, however, if you wake up when paralyzed. It–the paralysis–usually stops in seconds on those occasions.

    • SummerSolsticeGirl says:

      Well, I can’t really tell how long those episodes last for me cause it’s not like I can reach for my fracking phone to check the time.

      But I do get them a lot. At least once a week. And they seem to last an eternity (and before you even start to suggest the passing of time is relative) yes, I am well aware that it might just be my own perception due to the frightening experience. I am a physician with some training in psychiatry even though my main field is Cellular & Molecular Medicine with emphasis in Immunogenetics

    • SummerSolsticeGirl says:

      And yes, it might seem I’m being defensive here but I am having a really bad day and don’t really have the patience to be told what I already know. I am not normally like this.

      Thanks for stopping by and commenting though. Looking forward to more interactions when my mind state is less fragile.

  4. Sword-chinned bitch says:

    I wondered if you’d ever been to therapy for this — somehow I imagined that you had — I know therapy isn’t always the answer however. My heart goes out to you. I was really touched by reading this. A little superficial salve — you don’t look 43! Keep on sharing about it — I think it would be bad not to talk about what you’re going through.

    • SummerSolsticeGirl says:

      he he thank you. I’ll take a compliment any day but specially today :)

      And yeah, I’ve been doing therapy for many years. I’m also taking medication. It helps a lot. I am doing a 1000% better than I was 7 years ago, for example. I’m doing mostly well but the nightmares is something I’ve never been able to fix

  5. meizac says:

    I don’t have nightmares anything like what you’ve described, and I feel like mine are still pretty bad. I’m sorry that you have to deal with this. :( I can’t even begin to imagine how scary, difficult, awful it must be.

    If nothing else (and I know it’s little solace), your general attitude (which strikes me as very upbeat/positive) is a testament to the strength of the human spirit.

    I just really wish you didn’t have to deal with this. :(

  6. collreynolds says:

    I wonder if assessing your salt level – or just having a teaspoon in water – at bedtime would help. Thoughts?

    Bisous

  7. Jen and Tonic says:

    Wow, what an intense story. You are surprisingly well-adjusted for having lived through that. Really, I don’t know what else to say about that.

    Thank you for sharing this…it is so brave of you. And even that is an understatement.

  8. purpleowltree1234 says:

    I’ve had nightmares all my life too, and they haven’t abated. Sleep is exhausint when you wake in utter panic. I don’t get sleep paralysis but I’ve heard about it before too and it sounds hideously scary. I offer you my compassion and empathy about not being able to shift the nightmares, to have restful sleep. I’m positive it takes away a number of the benefits of sleep for us, when our sleep is so broken and terrifying. How many times have people woken me up when I’m screaming out for help, or I’ve woken myself up running *outside* in my sleep trying to get the fuck away. That doesn’t seem to help either. I hear you about being pissed off at your brain, the part continuing these nightmares and the broken sleep. I hear you hating the sleep paralysis. I feel compassion for you, and even some compassion for your brain which has such horrific trauma in it that it is not so far able to let the nightmares stop. *caring*
    Love from Rach. safe ((((hugs)))) if you want them.
    PS You look in your early 30s! Nowhere *near* 43!! *jealous* :)

    • SummerSolsticeGirl says:

      I’m so sorry to hear that. Having suffered them all my life, I can positively say it is something I wouldn’t wish upon anyone, not even my worse enemy, as the saying goes.

      And yes, hugs are ALWAYS appreciated.

      The good news, is that I’m doing much better now. I even had a long period of almost a month were I was nightmare-free! A first in my whole life!!! Now I only have them once or twice a week and that’s awesome.

      Now I actually have hope that maybe one day I won’t have them anymore :)

      Hugs back to you!

      PS: I’m 44 now

  9. purpleowltree1234 says:

    WOW! That is *awesome* news!! :D Imagine life without nightmares! omg! :) *grinning at the hope!*
    44 is going to be a DAMN good year for me! :D 4 is my favourite favourite number and 44 is doubly four, so it will be awesome! :) I’m thinking what shall I do to bring in the 44th year for me? I hate my own birthdays, but I’d love to get my friends together (those who are close enough to make it) and *thank* them for their amazingness which has helped me/us survive and have lots of fun along the way too. I hope you feel the glow of the wonderfulness of 44. :) Bask in it baby!! Hehehee
    YOu know how people sometimes perpetually say they are 21? I think I might just stick with 44 once I reach it. :) Hehee
    Love from Rach.

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