There’ll be days like this

When did this blog turn so sad?

When I started it a few months ago, I had a different idea.  It was supposed to be a happy blog.  About the things I like, the things I enjoy doing.  Like swing dancing, for example.  About my life in Canada -which I love!

Why do I feel compelled to write about all these awful things? why can’t they stay 6 feet under?  I guess that as much as I have tried to bury them, they refuse to be forgotten.  They’re like Zombies!

Very well.  I shall continue writing about them.  Perhaps if I do, one day they will get tired of haunting me and they will leave me alone.

I started thinking about death right after my mother died.  Ok, one may argue that it was way before that I guess but it didn’t become a conscious thing until then. And I don’t mean death in general, I mean my own death.

I lost all my desire to live -which was never very big to start with, right after that nefarious October in 1983.

Funny thing, I have always been perceived as a happy person.  Even as a child.  Just a couple of weeks before my mother died, one of the nuns commented on what a happy girl I was and what a happy family I had.  I just smiled.  I’ll never forget how I felt inside when she said that.  I wanted to scream “if you only knew”  I wanted to scream “please help me”.  I couldn’t.  I didn’t say anything.  I just smiled.  I had carried my burden, my shame in silence for so many years.  And I continued to do so until now.  I changed schools.  I distanced myself from most of my friends and made new ones.  Friends that didn’t know anything about my past.  Till this very day, nobody in my family talks about those things.  My mother is very rarely mentioned.  My father even less.

But I also continued to smile.  Go figure.  It’s never been a fake smile…. ok, almost never.  Most of the time my smile is genuine.  I truly enjoy a lot of things.  I am two persons in one.  The happy, cheerful girl that loves to dance and do sports and many other things.  And the sad, lost little girl who wants to find her way home.  Very lonely and scared.  The little girl that doesn’t know how to take care of herself. The little girl that doesn’t understand why mommy and daddy are not around.

And that kills me.  Sometimes – like now, the pain is unbearable.  The loneliness, the fear.  Those days I feel I can’t keep on going.  Those days I think even more about death.  Those days I resent the doctors that kept me alive when I was born a premature baby.  Those days I beg Death to come get me.  Those days I hope for some miracle that would put me out of my misery.

The tragedy is that I am a happy person by nature. Or I would be, were it not for the special circumstances of my life…. 

Well, my mama didn’t need to tell me there’ll be days like this.  I found out all by myself when I was still a child.

2 thoughts on “There’ll be days like this

  1. Summer Solstice Girl says:

    Thank you. Of course I can't compare but I would think that losing one's parents due to old age (and when one's an adult and perhaps even with a family of their own) is not as difficult as losing them when one's still very young.Granted, losing a parent – or both, will always be painful and difficult but I imagine there are some things one can take comfort in. Like a long life well lived and such.

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